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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

Some random ramblings;

Weebly logged me out of my desktop and since my fiance and I are both suffering gurgly groans, we're at home rather than family night, meaning I can actually do a desktop blog. That allowed me to review when my page views spiked. I hadn't been blogging for three months. My last blog was on November 3rd, but I got a spike in views around December 4th - 6th. Since I wasn't blogging in that time, something caused a sudden rush to my blog in that time.

At that time, on December 3rd, I announced my engagement in every discord I'm in, and on December 4th in nearly every discord, shared we had also gotten an apartment. But that was it. I had, privately, been wanting to get back into blogging. Mentally, I went, "after we have a place and have internet, I'm going to resume blogging and share all the life updates". But in that timeframe, something drove people here, a place nobody ever bothers to view.

My own fiance knows I have a blog, but doesn't read it.

My previous partner/good friend knew I had a blog, but rarely if ever read it.

I know my page views per day, especially when active. One page view per day is the average--aka, the page view automatically made by me when generating my blog post.

So like...a small part of myself is wondering if someone had the malice to deliberately go out of their way to show me at my worst as I was celebrating me at my best. But I would certainly hope not. Nobody actually reads my blog, except apparently the very worst which was something people were pointed to, so clearly someone did do it--yet I would certainly hope whatever motivated them to go here at that time was not malice.

After all...I have done great harm. I did write some very bad things. There were implications there--inaccurate implications, implications which if I explained, people would understand what I wrote was worse than what actually happened, but implications nonetheless. I did say some very harmful things. The things I said, I didn't believe. They were fueled by negative emotions chiefly anger and channeling my intrusive thoughts combined with imposter syndrome. But I still made the choice to say them. Regardless of my intention, regardless of how untrue they were, I still said them and reading them still caused harm to those who did.

I always had the best of intentions. When I said the harmful things I did, I genuinely thought that me saying them was for the best--I genuinely thought me saying them would help. I legitimately believed it was going to make things better if I aired them out. But I was wrong. My intentions don't matter--the only thing that matters is the harm I caused.

I was in the wrong. I was stupid. I regret what I did. I regret what I said. But I did it, I said it, and I will have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. I made a series of mistakes. Very little good came of it. The only thing keeping me from saying nothing good came from it is that my actions literally saved the life of my friend, and said friend is now my fiance. But, that outcome was still possible without me having caused as much harm as I did, and that little bit of light doesn't remove the massive darkness of my actions.

I do have a very extensive notes section in my secret blog, where I have written hundreds of pages about that period in my life. I've had time to reflect and change my stances and opinions and to look back at things in hindsight. I now condemn myself for everything I did. I was almost entirely in the wrong. (Almost, because I can never accept letting my friend-now-fiance die would be acceptable. Any course which would've caused their death is fundamentally wrong because my friend-now-fiance doesn't deserve to die. On that one point, I can never be wrong. But on literally everything else, I was in the wrong.)

I condemn the wrongdoing done, and I condone the actions of those who acted against both myself and my fiance. They were right to have done what they did. I was in the wrong to do everything I did. What I said was harmful. What I did was harmful. I was in the wrong, they were in the right.

But since then, I have changed, and I have grown. I have identified where I went wrong, how I ignored the warning signs. I have seen my wrongdoings and been horrified by them. I have learned to see things from the perspectives, and to understand their viewpoints. I have come to see how my actions reflect in their eyes, and how they would see me, and I know how bad that view of me would be.

Especially since we have been trained to see only the worst in people--I'd know. Seeing the worst in people is literally what led me astray and got me in trouble in the first place. I was seeing only the negative and thinking things were worse than they were, which led me to a path that was itself going to make things worse due to the harm involved. And this was with some of my closest friends. So if we could get in to a negative feedback loop, seeing less and less of the good and more and more of the bad, then I know others will, too. And have me as the one seen in that negative light.

And it's justified. I am guilty. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could take it back. How guilty I am depends on how you frame it. You can frame it in ways much worse than it is, or frame it in ways which downplay it, but regardless of how guilty I am from the framing, it's unambiguous I am guilty. So I deserve to be seen negatively for my guilt. I regret it. I wish I could undo it. God, how much I wish I could take it all back. But I can't, so I will have to live with it the rest of my life. My guilt will haunt me forever, and it's deserved. Remorse is not enough to make up for past harm. Actions have consequences, the consequences of mine warrant punishment for the harm I inflicted.

All I can really do is try my best to atone. The harm cannot be undone. The hurt done can never be undone. Some bridges will be burnt with no way to ever be rebuilt--and I will need to respect that. I will need to not cause further harm by trying to rebuild a bridge which should remain broken. Yet, I still can try to make amends where I can. I...honestly don't know how. How do I heal? How do I help? I only know how to hurt, I don't know how to mend.

I am always afraid my actions will make things worse. Like, I know how to help others when I'm not the one who caused the pain. That's easy! I just be me and give them advice and give them someone to hear them and support them. do I heal people when I am the one who caused their pain, their harm, in the first place? That, I don't know.

Still, I will do whatever I can. I'll try the best I can. And in terms of atonement, that can be done just by being me and doing what I have learned to do--be more empathetic, and see what they are going through, and help them. Uplift them. Be a voice of kindness and joy. Make them laugh, be positive, help them see the best, give them direction, etc. All of that, I am getting better at doing.

And that's who I am. When being honest with myself, that's what I am. Like, what I am is something nobody knows. Not myself, not anyone else. It largely depends on the eye of the beholder. Every perspective is valid. And there are those who think badly of me--they are valid, because to them that is what I am. But overall, despite me being that to those people, overall, I am better at being good than ever before.

There are more and more people who value my presence in their life. There are more and more people who I help. There are more and more people who appreciate me on some level. I don't like to brag or be arrogant or think too highly of myself. I fear the return of my peak arrogance which led to an unhealthy toxic narcissistic phase of my life. So I have to take caution about thinking I am great. I'm human after all, I'm flawed and imperfect. Yet, I still hold some value.

I should never brag about doing good because bragging about doing good means I'm not really doing good--but I think it's at least okay, in this blog setting, when talking about myself and my value, to say I do good at doing good. Not perfectly. Not as good as I want to. But, still a decent job. I am more defined by the good I do than by the bad which follows.

I don't want to ever pretend the bad isn't there--it's there, and it's very bad. The bad is very bad. But, the bad is overall outweighed by the good, when I stop to acknowledge it. I should never let the good justify the bad. The bad was never okay. The bad is not removed or covered up by the good. Yet, I am not defined by the good.

I'm defined by both the bad and the good, and of the two--the good is overall much, much stronger a force in my day to day life.

To put that into perspective, I have failed about 30 times in my life rather catastrophically. That's about one failure per year. It means 364 days, I do nothing but good, or at least okay. It's only 1/365 days which have gone horribly wrong with me having made egregious mistakes. That level of harm is still too high. But, it's not like every day I am failing as a human being in some monstrously hideous way.

I don't want to talk too much about how good I am or how the bad wasn't that bad. That's toxic behavior. So, I don't know how to really convey what I'm trying to get across. Basically, that the bad exists but is not all there is to me, that I am still by and large always who I have been, someone trying to do the right thing, trying to do good. I've had catastrophic failures, making disastrous mistakes. This year has had no less than eight of the thirty or so.

Yet, every time I mess up, I learn what I did was wrong, and adjust course. I do need to learn how to apologize, how to say sorry. It's not a skill I know.

Like, I say, "I'm sorry" all the time to people to express my sympathy, or even empathy.

How do I convey "I'm sorry" as not being that, but rather, me being genuinely legitimately remorseful, regretful, and agonizing over the pain I caused?

I always ruin it by being too verbose.

I always try to make sure my intention comes across, that I convey that I well and truly mean it, that I am well and truly sorry.

But I never can.

I don't know how to--it's not a skill I ever learned.

After all, if I only need to give it once every 365 days or so, it's a skill I wouldn't practice on those other 364 days when it's not needed. I only practice via saying the 'sorry' as expressing sympathy/empathy. I never can practice for being sorry for genuine regret/remorse, because that's something that you can only do when genuinely remorseful. And obviously, that's something you don't WANT to have 'practice' at, because the more practice you have at that, the more wrongdoing you have to have done.

If I am well-versed in how to say a remorseful sorry, it means I am well-versed in causing harm that warrants being remorseful. I don't want to ever be so well-versed in mistakes I can pull that off.

So...instead, I just...suck at it.

​I don't know what to do. I am trying. I want to heal things. And I know I can do better.

I know I messed up. I know my past mistakes warranted consequences, and that my past mistakes were very harmful. They were mistakes. They hurt people badly. So I deserve to have people think negatively of me. But I don't want that negativity to define me. I don't want to become nothing but a beacon of toxicity, of badness, of harm. I know I can't control how others perceive me--but I know that negative perceptions of me bring negative emotions, and I don't want them to suffer like that.

I don't want to be the cause of any pain or harm.

I want to be the cause of joy and positivity.

I am mostly good at it.

Not good enough, but getting better with time.

I know people believed I posed enough of a threat to warrant being removed from places. And, if no malice was involved in the reporting of the worst of my blog, then whoever brought it to others thought my stances and actions were worthy of reporting and wanted to sound the alarm and make places safer by removing me from them. And they are valid for it. They are justified for it. They are not in the wrong. Their perspective is valid, and the truth from their view and their stances. I can never disagree with them on their takes. They're right, at least right enough. Because of my guilty, my past actions I now condemn, seeing me that way is warranted.

Yet as warranted as it is...I know that longterm, that mindset is destructive. That mindset is literally how I got into a self-destructive mindset earlier this year. That mindset of condemnation is what I was doing, and it hurt everyone including myself badly. So, I know from firsthand experience how thinking negatively of someone, even if justified, harbors negativity and breeds negative emotions that bring further harm. The harm festers and causes longlasting pain and damage that never heals, because of that view.'s not so much that I don't want people to think badly of me, as much as it is, I know people thinking badly of me is going to probably make their lives worse in the longrun. While I'm far from a paragon of virtues, I'm also not an evil bitch. I'm just an average human. An empath. I feel the feelings of others, see their experiences, and work to uplift them, and I'm pretty good at it! So having a person like that, a person like me, demonized by them means they are likely going to be demonizing other good people, people who are just people. And that is a pattern that is destructive and harmful.

I just want to help people see the best in the world. To see the positive. To see that most humans are good, even if their values and experiences differ. To see how most people are not worth condemning. To see how anger, hatred, doom and gloom, naysaying, and negativity are not conductive to them or to building a better world. To see how seeing the brighter in life allows them to see the brightest in themselves as well as in others and to do better in life and be better towards others.

Obviously, some differences are irreconcilable. I know that at least one bridge, even if I can help partially heal it can never be rebuilt due to a fundamental difference in opinion that cannot be overcome. And even if differences can be overcome in theory, often it's not worth it. And, often, the best thing to do is to cut people out who are not helping, because a level of selfishness is warranted. And, you get the idea. People can sometimes both be individually good yet be bad together; recognizing that isn't a bad thing and is in fact healthy.

But, I want to, just through my existence, slowly, gradually, be helping others.

The world is a beautiful place. People are beautiful and wonderful. Most humans are absolutely great. Just trying their best. And that includes any who would read this.

I'm quite sure nobody reads my blogs. Even if they did, they wouldn't read this one. It's too long, too rambley, and the start is probably a turnoff from reading the entirety. But, in the off chance you did, all I can really say is, Thank You.

You are better than you realize. You are worth more than you know. You make a bigger difference than you will ever realize. You make waves which affect others. Your ripples leave a positive impact. You are appreciated, and I love you. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are great.

I know I'm not as good as I need to be. I know I need to do better. I know there's a lot to improve. But I also know that the world can heal with time, and that no matter the mistakes you have made, you can help it do exactly that by just being you and helping people as you. That's what I am trying to do, so you can definitely succeed at it, too.

Love you, and wish you the best.

And well and truly:

Thank you.

​For everything.

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