Three months of a hiatus has been longer than I've ever been gone before--I legit thought I might never blog again, just due to the lack of momentum. But, I am here now, to say what's new.
That's right, I'm engaged!!! My partner popped the question December 3rd, exactly one month after they moved from Michigan to start living with me.
Since November 5th or so, we've been living on our own. Our plan was to use my parents' basement, but it had unhealthy levels of mold, forcing us to pivot to staying in a hotel for a month. We wanted to try and buy a place, but that process took too much time, so we pivoted to renting, and have landed an apartment as of two days ago!
We're still unpacking things, as well as buying things, as well as getting the quirks worked out, as well as getting things set up. I'm blogging from my phone's hotspot, but using my laptop to type this blog out.
The other major update is mostly to my plurality and our outlook on life from it.
Our main fronter nowadays is kat. For those who have had the pleasure of meeting kat, kat is an incredibly childlike beacon of innocence, youthful energy, and joy. She's not naive. She knows the world is complicated, but she has a neat way of simplifying it in ways which are reassuring and helpful. She is a beacon of positivity, always saying how it's fine, how we'll survive, make things work, etc. She is still kat, literally a cat. And sees things much as a cat does. Cuddlish, affectionate, loving, adoring, but also simple.
She's also largely assisted by another main fronter, Vee, who is spending most of her time around us, imparting her ways of empathy and pacifism upon us. Which has led to both a lot of changes in us, as well as a lot of reflecting on the past and filled with regret about who we were in the past--even a few months ago.
I am an entirely different person than I was back then. I've continued to change, to learn.
Between kat and Vee, and reflecting on my past mistakes, I slowly but gradually have been taken over by a philosophy of taking the path of true empathy and love. Of taking the path of understanding and of least harm. To try and do the most good with the least amount of damage done.
It started with finally developing a way to overcome a monstrous trait of mine I've had since 13. "You are not playing a game. You are dealing with real life."
It sounds stupidly simple, but it helped remind me of how actions have consequences--especially mine. By shifting my mindset from "I need to win this argument no matter what" to "there is a real life person on the other side, and they are really affected by your actions", I was able to start setting myself on a better path.
That evolved into a gradual understanding. Most people are good. Most humans are good. All humans are flawed and imperfect, me more than any other. But almost all humans are good, trying to do the right thing, and doing their best.
And that was what I needed to develop my standard of empathy and understanding above all else.
With the baseline assumption that everyone I am dealing with is a good person, came the knowledge that I had screwed up worse than I knew.
Four months ago, I said some terrible things. Hurtful things. I had some horribly wrong takes. I was causing pain to others, in a way deeper than I had done before, because the people hurt were friends I was alienating with my lack of humanity and empathy.
I was wrong.
I condemn the actions of myself in the past.
I condone the actions others took--including against me, both then and more recently.
They were justified.
I was in the wrong.
I messed up, badly.
I hurt people, badly.
I deserve any and all punishment I am going to receive and have already received.
And I am truly sorry.
Being sorry doesn't undo the damage. Actions have consequences, and the consequences of my actions will haunt me for life.
I truly wish I could undo what I did--but I can't. And because I can't undo what I did, I have to live forever with the knowledge I did terrible things.
I can promise I will not defend myself. I can promise I will accept accountability. I will accept the damage I caused. I will accept all the actions taken against me as valid, and justified, and fair.
I've spent every day writing pages upon pages reflecting on what I have done--and every day, filled with more regret than the last. (When I say pages upon pages, I mean legit over 500 pages written.)
I don't have the words to say, but I do have the remorse.
All I can really do is say I well and truly am sorry.
I've been meaning to say that for a long time. Those who have seen my twitter and discord interactions have seen me over the course of months undergo this change. Where I say I messed up in the past. Where I say I am a monster, who is trying not to be one. Where I say I know I've hurt people, am tired of hurting people, and just want to help.
I want to uplift people. In the last few months, I've gotten better at doing so. I've gotten better at encouraging people. I've gotten better at getting people out of negative mindsets. I've gotten better at telling stupid jokes. I've become a much, much better human than I was a few months ago--I well and truly believe that I am an entirely different person. Given plurality, not far off the mark, either.
The facet who was most dominant when I did the hurt, isn't around anymore. So I am quite literally not who I was back then.
...Still...
...I am responsible for the actions of my past self. That was a version of me, even if she horrifies the current me. I am mortified at what I did. I am horrified at what I said. I've gained a new perspective, and part of that is a renewed faith in communities being found family. I hate what I have done. But I did it then, so I can't just magically wave a wand away and pretend I didn't. God, I wish I could. But all I can really do is to try my best to atone, as I have.
I will admit to every wrongdoing people bring to me. I will confess to every crime to any who want to hear it. I will do whatever I can to promote healing. I don't want anyone to be hurt.
Months ago, when I first wrote the hurtful blog posts, I expected there to be severe consequences. Back then, there were precious few. Yet I have spent every day preparing for the inevitable. Dreading it. Regretting what I did. Remorseful, and hoping that it would be okay. Still, the past mistakes I made will never go away.
I believe in recording past mistakes, even if they are harmful, to let people know I'm not erasing the past and also that I have changed for the better since having made it--but ngl, given the scope of the hurt my past mistake made, I have genuinely considered doing exactly that, to delete it, as to reduce future harm.
We've spent a ton of time on the 500+ pages of writing facing internal conflicts within our system. One of the conflicts is that issue. Do we delete the harmful things? Or leave them for all to see, despite the harm? We've thusfar chosen the latter, especially since it's too late now.
But, I digress.
My point is, my hurt is forever. The pain I inflicted is real, and true, and can never be undone.
I regret it all.
I am sorry.
I was in the wrong. I badly hurt people.
Personally, I don't think I am worthy of forgiveness. But God, do I wish I were. The amount of pain I caused is unforgivable. I am irredeemable. Yet, despite being unworthy, I still want to do whatever I can to atone.
Everyone deserves better than the me of a few months ago. Especially those that I hurt the most. Whatever actions people take regarding me in the future, I will accept. It's their decisions, from their perspective, off of their feelings, and doing what they think is best. I may end up losing a lot I had before, but the fault is entirely my own. So everyone, once again.
I'm sorry for everything.
You all deserve better than what I have done to you.
留言