It's my birthday. :3

I turn 32 as of today, because I was born on July 23rd, 1993.

I'll be writing my check-in for today, presumably one involving birthdays, later. As for celebrating, I...don't really have the means to, today. I don't have the money to buy anything, or the means to really go anywhere, and even things at home I'm not sure I can do since it will depend on when I need to transport my wife back from work.

But at the same time, I figured I would make a blog entry about it.

Birthdays are a time I have struggled a lot with feeling positive emotions about. I don't know at what point exactly they went from something I looked forward to, to being something I just got negative feelings about, but it was over half of my life ago. I was a young teenager. What caused the shift, I'd have to unpack a lifetime of trauma to know. Could be anything, or a combination of things.

Maybe it was my family scheduling our summer trip to visit our grandparents around my birthday every year. With mine as the first birthday to not be celebrated on the actual day. (A thing later adapted for all of us due to life circumstances.)

Maybe it was me drifting apart from my friends, who as they aged outgrew the childish things which bonded us together while I myself didn't.

Maybe it was just the decrease in meaningful gifts.

Maybe it was a feeling of the sameness of every celebration, with nothing unique about them.

Maybe it was a general sense that people didn't get me, that people were forgetting me, that I was irrelevant, that people didn't understand what I really wanted, with the gifts I got being increasingly further away from the gifts I was hoping to get.

Or maybe something else.

Who knows.

Regardless of what caused the increased cynicism, pessimism, dread, and just tiredness/exhaustion regarding my birthday, it was there until a couple years ago or so.

In fact being honest, maybe the first birthday which I didn't feel this way was last year.

I don't remember if my birthdays in 2020 - 2022 were good or not, but I remember my 2023 birthday was one of the most depressing, and it was on the cusp of one of the worst times in my life by virtue of being the worst time in the life of my wife. (Although at the time, they were just a friend of mine, and in fact, the tragedy which was my 2023 birthday was what led to us dating. So my 2023 birthday gift from the universe was the love of my life, so I can't complain too much about how bad the day was otherwise.)

The first time I can remember feeling loved, appreciated, seen, and truly felt like people "got" me, was last year. My 2024 birthday. For the first time in half my life, I felt everything "a child should" (to quote a song) on the special day. I felt loved, I felt positive, I felt optimistic, I felt happy.

And it gave me hope for birthdays in the future being like that.

My current life circumstances mean I sincerely doubt I will have that this year, unfortunately. I've been struggling to avoid eviction, to make ends meet, to try and survive the crushing weight of society, that I haven't been really able to let people know, and prepare, and set time aside to celebrate me. I've tapped whatever resources they would normally give to me as a birthday gift, by virtue of having needed to ask for help prior to my birthday.

People who might otherwise give me birthday gifts instead gave me support to survive prior to my birthday, so I am very unlikely to receive anything except words today. I might not get time, and I definitely won't get gifts. And while it sucks, that's the reality of my current situation. I don't have the luxury of celebrating me this year, so this year will be a return to the previous standard of disappointment--but crucially, not with the accompanying dread that was there before.

I recognize that my current life circumstances are, explicitly, temporary, and not the new norm. The hardships and trials I am facing right now will not be there next year. The pain, the suffering, the weight of the world, will not give the same burden next year as it has this year. As crushed as I am right now, I know it is just the one time, and that next year will be better.

So as much as it will be hard to feel as loved as I was last year given how badly things are this year...I remain hopeful that I can keep celebrating. And hey. You never know. Last year I got something I hadn't gotten since I was a kid; a surprise birthday party. Maybe I'll be surprised today, since the day has just started.

But even if not...that's okay. I know how loved and appreciated I am every day. I know I hold value to people, and that I matter. I know how much a difference I make. I know how much I am loved and the amount of support I receive regularly is a blessing. I am fortunate, I am lucky, to receive a lifetime of love every day, so why would I need extra on my day of birth? I receive the amount of attention and love every day that many only get on their birthday.

So I don't need today to be special.

It would be a pleasant surprise if it was!

But I don't need it to be. There's no bitterness, there's only a small bit of sadness, and that small disappointment is because I know if life circumstances differed I could be receiving a lot more love and support today than I actually will, but ultimately; I am okay, well and truly, because today I am reflecting on all of the love and support I have already received.

I am eternally gracious, and can never have enough gratitude.

And above all else; I am looking forward to next year. I know next year can be better than this year. While this year has a lot of suffering, hardship, and pain...next year I truly believe will be better.

So while today will be a struggle to truly have a happy birthday, I remain optimistic that next year I will have it with interest. And even if not. I don't need a happy birthday when every day I am a level of content and fulfilled to have happiness. I have the love of my life. We have a puppy. We're building a life together. I am surrounded by loved ones who I love and who love me back.

I have ride-or-die friends who actually ride with me.

And that's all I will ever need. They are the greatest gift I could ever ask for, and I have them already, so I don't need more on my day of birth. I have them every day so if the thing I most wanted was to be given only on my birthday, then every day is my birthday because every day I have them in my life. <3