Good/Bad News!

The good news is, I figured out why every time I am Lifeguarding, I get sad.

It has to do with no distractions.

It’s the same reason I felt sad yesterday.

In fact, it’s the same reason I feel sad every time I run out of discords to catch up on and across the board, I've done everything.

The bad news is why.

Whenever I am left alone with my thoughts, I feel well and truly alone.

When I am not actively on my phone with a task, I feel lonely.

I might actually be as bad as my blogs imply--or actually even worse.

It’s horrifying to think about.

When I feel alone, I reflect.

I think of the future, and all the sadness and pain likely to be there.

I think of everything I want to say, and the pain of knowing I likely never will.

I look back at what I ought to have said and done, and regret having not.

I look at all the hurtful things I have done, the pain it inflicted in others, see what I have lost from my actions or inactions, all the hurt I have inflicted, and how I have brought endless amounts of pain.

And when I am alone, that’s all I see.

I can’t see the other half of the coin, of the good I've done.

Every interaction I make, I question if it was good.

I kick myself for having said anything, because clearly my words only make things worse.

I feel isolated, trapped in my own mind.

I feel pain and regret.

I feel the hurt of others, the pain of everyone I've harmed, layered on top of my own pain.

My regrets are all I see.

And I feel truly alone.

Crying.

Just overwhelmingly a failure who is good for nothing but causing harm. 

Objectively, I know that’s not true.

I can see all the good I do when I'm in the moment of having done it.

But the moment I am not helping others, my good deeds are invisible to me.

I see only the bad.

I know that a lot of people have seen the worst of me, and chosen to break off from me in numerous levels, in various shapes. All justified, all warranted. There’s a great load of negative to see.

The problem is, I can’t join them in having created that distance from the bad. I can’t cut myself off.

So I carry it around me, all the bad, and I see only the bad and I feel so alone, because nobody who sees this bad wants to embrace me with it. Why would they? I wouldn’t embrace me, why should they so much as tolerate me?

Of course that’s not all there is to me.

I know that I do good.

But when I am not actively doing that good, all I see is the bad. I join the long list of people who focus on the negative, judge my character by it, and conclude that I am not worth having.

So, I am...just so scared.

And have this great sadness.

I love everyone so much, but I don’t feel like any of them should love me.

So to everyone, once again, all I can say is I'm sorry.