Well, it's Christmas.

And it seems so far, sad as it may be, my wishes are indeed impossible.

The gifts my family got me weren't bad.

In fact, a lot of them were good!

I received a gift from my brother, who previously hadn’t given me gifts--giving me hope for healing. Especially since his gift was one of the most immediately useful things I will need, given new living situation. (Equipment for my computer--very important for our aspirations.)

He not only gave a gift, but a very thoughtful useful one, too.

And my entire family is wonderful.

By and large, it’s amazing. The gifts given and received were great.

And there’s been a great deal of bonding. 

Yet despite me receiving the gift of potentially healed family and a wonderful Christmas...

...I still feel a deep sadness.

I feel a lack of Holiday spirit.

A lack of happiness and joy.

A feeling of ungratefulness. 

I am feeling unsatisfied.

And I don’t know why.

I have everything I should have ever needed or dreamed of.

So why am I so empty inside???

It can’t be any Flaw of my family. They’re being wonderful and amazing and incredible.

The fault is my own.

My heart is just filled with an emptiness, a sadness, and I just...want to enjoy the moments in life like this, that I am not.

Everything is going good and right.

Yet my heart can't perceive it so.

I truly am hopeless.

But I hope that with time, maybe, just maybe, I can heal enough to enjoy the gifts of moments like this before it's too late. 

I apologize to everyone that I am not good enough as I am right now.

But I promise...I know my faults are mine, and I will work to be better by this time next year.

I love you all, and you deserve my best.

I might not have it yet, but I will strive for it. I believe in my ability to achieve it, so please, bear with me and I promise you I will reach there.

Love you all, and have a wonderful Christmas and holiday season.