And it seems so far, sad as it may be, my wishes are indeed impossible.
The gifts my family got me weren't bad.
In fact, a lot of them were good!
I received a gift from my brother, who previously hadn’t given me gifts--giving me hope for healing. Especially since his gift was one of the most immediately useful things I will need, given new living situation. (Equipment for my computer--very important for our aspirations.)
He not only gave a gift, but a very thoughtful useful one, too.
And my entire family is wonderful.
By and large, it’s amazing. The gifts given and received were great.
And there’s been a great deal of bonding.
Yet despite me receiving the gift of potentially healed family and a wonderful Christmas...
...I still feel a deep sadness.
I feel a lack of Holiday spirit.
A lack of happiness and joy.
A feeling of ungratefulness.
I am feeling unsatisfied.
And I don’t know why.
I have everything I should have ever needed or dreamed of.
So why am I so empty inside???
It can’t be any Flaw of my family. They’re being wonderful and amazing and incredible.
The fault is my own.
My heart is just filled with an emptiness, a sadness, and I just...want to enjoy the moments in life like this, that I am not.
Everything is going good and right.
Yet my heart can't perceive it so.
I truly am hopeless.
But I hope that with time, maybe, just maybe, I can heal enough to enjoy the gifts of moments like this before it's too late.
I apologize to everyone that I am not good enough as I am right now.
But I promise...I know my faults are mine, and I will work to be better by this time next year.
I love you all, and you deserve my best.
I might not have it yet, but I will strive for it. I believe in my ability to achieve it, so please, bear with me and I promise you I will reach there.
Love you all, and have a wonderful Christmas and holiday season.
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