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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

Okay, sitrep of today;

I'm still not posting to my mirror or properly tagging these blogs and am not putting much work into writing them.



Today, I've been taking care of my fiancé. They are, hopefully, just a little bit sick. 



I'm somehow both in a depressive funk yet also feeling great. I'm both not doing badly yet also feeling like I am. Hard to describe.



I will say though that I did write to Santa this year.



I can’t believe in anything 100%. My heart and soul is too closed off to have no voice of doubt which prevents me from having absolute faith in anything--which is saddening, because it feels like without absolute belief, a part of my childhood wonder and joy has died.



BUT, despite no ONE-HUNDRED percent absolute complete total faith, I still have 99.99% faith in things. Which is the closest thing I can ever do.



And I have that 99% belief in a lot of things. Some personal version of God not matching any scripture. The Traffic Gods. Witchy stuff. Spiritual practices. Other people. And, yes, Santa Claus.



I have absolute belief in them, as close as I can to faith in them.



So, yes, I believe in Santa, and wrote to Santa this year.



I...doubt my wishes will be granted.



Aside from being an adult, I am also filled with enough shortcomings that if Santa delivered, I would likely be on the naughty list. Or my lack of true 100% belief would stop it. Or other reasons.  Maybe I wrote the letters to the wrong place.



That, aside from how my wishes are things I don’t think Santa can actually deliver.



They probably shouldn’t be mentioned before anyway, there’s probably a rule about not telling what you want.



I dunno.



But, I just wanted to share them anyway, to put the energy out there.



The three gifts I wished for were


Forgiveness, 


Joy,


And Healed Spirit.



Like I said. I kinda doubt Santa has the power to grant me any of my wishes.



But...they are what I want most of all.



I want to be seen as I am, flaws and all, but be forgiven for my past mistakes and seen as my truer self, the better positive side of me.



I want to spread joy in the world, by promoting laughter and happiness and non-toxic positivity.



And I want my spirit to be healed, to have that inner awe and wonder and joy restored within me, so that I can better accomplish that goal.



I know my wishes are too ambitious. I know I ask too much. I know I want the impossible. So, I know Santa can’t fulfill my wish, even if Santa wanted to. Santa would have every reason not to deliver me anything, yet alone, impossible intangible gifts like this.



Still.



I put it out there, because I want to do better. Next year, and for the rest of my life.

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