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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

A semisecret blog

Sorry, I just...

...have been in a low spot.

I've been depressed.

I've been feeling lonely. 

I've been feeling like I've wasted my time and life during my only free time.

I've felt like a failure of a friend, and even a failure of a fiancé. 

I'm doing nothing.

I'm not pulling my weight.

I'm not spending my time on anything I want to do. 

Despite having the time to.

I know I could make the world such a better place if I were actually doing things.

But I'm not.

I know that I don’t need to do much.

Just show up and be myself.

But, I'm not even showing up and being myself.

I'm doing nothing but just, waste my potential.

I owe people better than what I have given them.

So, I just feel so...lonely, so isolated.

I have a world of people who love me.

But I can't love myself.

And right now, I feel like I'm even failing to display my love for others.

I love them.

I could never not.

But I am such a failure, they’re receiving none of the love from me they’re owed.

I'm sorry everyone for my shortcomings.

I just suck.

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Today's a third stage of grief/loss today.

Thursday was acceptance. The feeling of it having happened, and having that understanding. Actions have consequences, and my decisions led me to a path where I gave up basically everything for the lov

Today is definitely going to be worse.

The sadness is strong. The despair is there. The grief is there. The regret is there. The dread is there. And the loss. I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread,

I'm free.

That might seem like an unusual title for a blog if you know the full circumstances behind what happened today, but it will make sense. I have a bad tendency to overshare publicly, or on my blog to ha


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