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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

The new year approaches...

...and I am honestly not ready.

There’s so much to do.

We've got various legal things to do.

We need to get my fiancé set up on local insurance.

I've got meds to call in.

I've got a doctor appointment to reschedule.

I've got to book a new doctor.

We've got to clean our apartment.

We've got to buy more stuff.

We have to unpack our holiday goodies.

I've got to take care of my recovering fiancé.

I am so behind on everything, and there’s still so much I haven’t done which I need to.

My car is hopefully being fixed today, so I need to pick it up Friday.

And I need to stay on top of everything, while still handling crippling depression. 

To be clear, I am not as bad as my blog posts may imply. My blog has always told only part of the story of my life--and often exaggerates things because I use it to air out my emotions. (For instance, at my lowest point, exaggerating my monstrosity and playing into my anger. I am so very sorry for that.) In recent times, my sadness and depression is basically all you see.

For instance, yesterday, I was still able to find some love and joy. Just, not as much as I needed. My blog implied there was none at all. There was, it's just that something is dragging me down and minimizing what should be moments of bliss.

So. I am not as bad as my blog implies. My blog is never the most reliable source of anything. 

...that doesn’t mean I'm doing GOOD though.

I'm not as bad as my blog implies.

I'm still pretty terribly off right now though. I AM dealing with some form of debilitating depression, and I don’t know if I will ever be better. Even my fiancé can’t heal my wounded soul.

But, I'll somehow survive, and cope.

I can’t be my uplifting self if I can’t function at all. So to help others, I'll need to stay on top of this myself. 

I've got philosophies to elaborate on.

Uplifting hype to give.

Positivity to share.

I hope you can bear with me just a little longer.

I know most abandoned me, and/or were only interested in seeing the negative and didn’t stick around for the good.

But just know if you are seeing this, I love you and wish you the best, and I will continue fighting for a better future for you, and everyone you cherish in your life. 

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