So I wrote this yesterday...

...but I didn’t get a chance to post it here until now.

Rather, I had the chance to.

I just didn’t have the mindset to.

Heck, I'm only blogging about it now because my mental health just took a turn for the worse.

Today, I was doing SO MUCH BETTER Than yesterday. I was doing SO GOOD. I had relatively high spirits, and even the Muse to write a second song! Two in two days, that was too good to be true, right???

...as it turns out?

...yes, in fact, it was.

My Muse is gone.

I have lost my will to write again. 

I'm barely holding on to my will to live, again.

My fiancé keeps planning for our wedding, which will be a Halloween 2023 wedding. But...

...I am genuinely not sure if I will be making it to there with how bad I am right now.

For their sake if nothing else, I need to get better.

I literally saved their life. My friend(at the time) would've been dead if I did what others wanted me to do; when I say I literally saved their life, I mean I genuinely SAVED them. 

And later, romance blossomed. That friend became my partner, and that partner became my fiancé when they proposed to me. 

It would be the greatest disservice to them if I saved their life only to myself die. I helped save them when they were going through something similar to what I am now; for their sake, I need to also survive.

It’s just that right now, it’s difficult.

And that is the perfect time to post this song, because this song is relevant to my feelings and how I am right now. Writing it helped me cope, so hopefully sharing it today will, too.

Big Sad:

[V1]

Everyone knows of my crime my mistake,

My regrets have come but it’s too late.

Actions of mine are now what I hate,

All their consequences I can’t escape. 

All my wrongdoings sadly on display,

Doesn’t matter if I am ashamed.

It matters not what course I will take,

My harm still causes irreparable pain.

[Chorus]

I'm tired of the sickness,

The sickness is my mind.

I'm surrounded by darkness,

Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,

No matter its divide.

Why can’t I just discard this?

I just want to live life.

[V2]

Empathy has taught me life's not a game;

Even were it I don’t want to play.

I always feel I ruin the hangs,

Why can’t I just bring joy to all my gangs?

My attempts bring such harm in a cruel fate,

Failures leave me in a sorry state.

Can the bad leave and the good please stay?

I want a coffin for demons to lay.

[Chorus]

I'm tired of the sickness,

The sickness is my mind.

I'm surrounded by darkness,

Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,

No matter its divide.

Why can’t I just discard this?

I just want to live life.

[Bridge]

It must exist,

A place where I uplift,

It must exist,

A place where I'm a gift.

It must exist,

A place where I cherish.

It must exist,

Why can’t I see it?

[Chorus]

I'm tired of the sickness,

The sickness is my mind.

I'm surrounded by darkness,

Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,

No matter its divide.

Why can’t I just discard this?

I just want to live life.