There's a song on my mind a lot the last week or so.

And that's the Johnny Cash cover of "Hurt".

Because surprise surprise, that's what I do to others, despite my intentions of the opposite. Because I suck.

I hurt myself every day, but in my case largely by knowing how many I have hurt.

Every day, I still feel pain, but my pain is nothing compared to the pain I've inflicted. I don't have the right to say I'm in pain when the pain of others which I caused is far greater. My pain is nothing compared to theirs.

I focus on the pain, though, because like it says.

The pain of others is the only thing that's real. Their pain is what's important. I can try my best to help them. To promote healing. To help focus on the positive, to help their pain. Give them good, so they don't have so much bad. But, their pain is still the most important thing.

Every time I end up hurting people, it's a familiar sting. I've hurt people for so long, and despite my efforts, I still do. Even when I think I'm better, that I've grown, that I won't hurt people anymore...I end up still harming them, and the closer they are, the worse the pain I inflict.

I know that it's somewhat confusing with plurality, in how I don't remember the hurt I cause because it was a different me to inflict the wound, but simultaneously, I also never forget. I always remember. I have it in me. How could I forget all the wrongdoing I've done? I'm trying to be a good person, so I can't forget all of my sins. I can't kill those harmful moments, no matter how much I would like to. My wrongdoing is eternal. It's there forever. Nothing can remove it. All I have is remorse for my wrongdoing, and the efforts to try and do better to help and promote healing.

I always ask what I have become, because it's an ugly picture.

And I always end up hurting my sweetest friends. The closer they are, the greater the harm.

Everyone I know does go away in the end--because why wouldn't they? I give them nothing. I provide them with nothing. I take and I take, and give nothing in return. I am not worthy of keeping them in my life, because I don't do the work to keep them in my life and end up doing things which warrant being removed from theirs. How could I be worthy of them remaining, when I always do that?

All I have built is an empire of dirt. Nothing of note. Just empty mud. That's all I am. That's all I'm worth.

I will always let people down.

I will always make them hurt.

I'm nothing but a liar.

I have plenty of, justifiably, broken thoughts. All I do is break things, so why wouldn't I? I am broken, I break others, I break friendships, I break family, all I ever do is destroy.

And I can't repair any of it. I want to. I try to. But I am a failure in every way which matters.

Time can heal a lot of wounds, but by the time it does, there's new ones to replace the previous ones. People change, and grow. But no matter what, I end up doing the same thing and being unworthy of witnessing their growth.

Countless times, I've started again. A million times and miles away, over and over again.

And I want to do it all again. But I would likely still mess up, because I will always find a way to screw things up and hurt others.

I'm so sorry to everyone who has had the misfortune of seeing that side to me.

I'll say that it's easy to focus on the negatives.

But one day, I hope I will be worth focusing on the positives.

I don't think I ever will.

​But I want to be.