I'm too tired and exhausted again. I don't know why, honestly. I should be getting enough food, and I didn't do much, but I feel extra drained again for some reason. I dunno. It might just be stress about all of the things I'm thinking of.
The main three being,
How to clean the apartment in three days;
Finances;
What happened last year and the bleedthrough into this year.
For the first, I dunno yet.
The second, "it's okay to need help" is essentially the mindset; I need to accept that I need to accept the help friends and family and loved ones have given.
And for the third...
"What was lost was not worth keeping", essentially.
I have been struggling with hypotheticals and thoughts of going public again. But my wife helped remind me, again, why we made the choice not to. We've got more important things to focus on. We've got a life to build. And most importantly of all...the people who are most important to us are the people who stay in our lives.
There are plenty of loved ones who value us. Who see us as us, and value us as friends. These people either heard us out, or just don't care what we did in the past. But in either case, they value the us we are now, the us we are as friends, they value the friendship, over anything we would have done in the past. (Most of which we're innocent of, mind you. Not all, of course! But most. To actually know we'd need to know exactly what we were accused of and then we'd be able to say, "oh yeah we're guilty of that" vs. "oh that's total bogus", but since nobody will share we largely just have to go off what we know and what we know is that we're humans who didn't do perfectly but also we're victims of a misinformation campaign, so. We know exactly what we did and didn't do and if ever asked would be able to say one way or the other for any given thing. It's just that nobody cares to--those who are our friends don't care to ask because they don't care and value us; those who cut us out don't care to ask because they don't care to hear our perspective, so nobody regardless of stance cares. So let the rumor mill go, it doesn't matter. It won't keep us from living our lives. But I digress.)
I still want to make a blog to air out some thoughts.
But also, I don't want to hyperfocus on it, for every blog to be about the past, what happened there. I can't rightly claim I'm moving on and focusing on the present and future if most of my blogs are focused on the past, now, can I? Yet at the same time, I also want my blog to be a means to share whatever is on my mind, and to be honest about it, and to be able to put it out there so I effectively delete it from my brain. To share in a form that is able to allow me to heal, and to explain my perspective.
After all, my perspective is one of ludicrous complexity.
I'll share what happened publicly, but not namedrop.
In private, I won't namedrop unless specifically prompted to confirm who I am talking about. (Basically, if people know who I'm talking about, I'll confirm, "yeah, that's who I'm talking about", but if they don't, I'm not going to namedrop.)
I don't want to spread my view that the problematic streamer is problematic to others, yet at the same time I believe the problematic streamer is problematic.
I believe the problematic streamer is problematic, but I also believe the problematic streamer despite being problematic is a good human.
I don't want the problematic streamer canceled, but I do want the problematic streamer held accountable, with my idea of accountability not including cancellation.
I don't want to go public (outside of mental spiral days like today at least), but I don't want problematic behavior to never come to light at all and lead to others having needlessly suffered.
I don't want to defend myself, but I also don't want lies about me to be treated like truth.
I don't want to lose people I care about, but I also don't want to put in the work to tell everyone my perspective (and by not sharing, some who I care about will be lost).
I don't want to lose people I care about, but at the same time I want the people in my life to genuinely care about me and see me as the me I am.
It's a lot of seeming contradictions, yet...things are complicated, and nuanced, and multi-faceted.
I don't want to say going public/whistleblowing would have been good/bad/etc. I think more good than harm would have come from it, but at the same time it wouldn't be something that is guaranteed to have been the best path forward.
And you know?
I actually like the path forward I am walking, overall.
I'm loved.
I have loved ones.
I have a lot of love to give others.
I'm creative.
I'm pursuing my creativity.
There's losses along the way. There's sacrifices to be made. There's choices to be made. There's things I have to accept:
By not fighting against the misinformation, all of those I lost will likely never return to my life;
By not fighting against the misinformation, I will likely lose more who fall prey to the misinformation;
To pursue the life I want, I'm not yet far enough in that I'm self-sufficient so I MUST accept the help of loved ones;
Success will take time;
I won't be able to help everyone I want to.
But at the same time--this feels like it's the way I most want to go, and the best way to go, at least with how life has gone.
It won't be easy, but I think it's what I want to pursue.
And for any who are along for the ride...thank you.
I guess I've got a blog after all.
Sorry for not giving more, but I will always do the best I can. I hope you can do the same. <3
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