I have returned from my trip.

And lemme tell you, I have a lot of things on my mind. Too many to fit into a blog, but I'm going to at least try my best.

I figure I should start off by saying life is a huge mixed bag.

I'm now married to the love of my life, Kelsey Marie Lewis, and they can now use that name.

December 3rd, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of kels proposing to me.

December 4th, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of us securing a place to live by signing the lease agreement for our apartment.

...And today? December 5th, 2023 and going into December 6th 2023 was the day I lost 90% of my friends, including two I was deeply in love with, beyond platonically. Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable mentioning publicly what I previously only hinted at except in DMs, since I was too afraid to talk about it publicly. The two closest friends I had, who were ride-or-die friends, who I was going to their wedding? I didn't just platonically love them. I loved loved them. Not as much as I love kels, but still more than my platonic friends.

Even a year later, it's hard for me to confess this, especially since it's hard to explain. I'm always afraid that in attempting to explain, I will end up in some way implying my feelings for kels are somehow lesser, or that I will hurt friends with my explanation of love, or something like that. Finding the right words for it is something I don't think I will ever be able to do, but I feel there is enough a level of trust and ability to communicate that I can at least attempt an attempt at explaining.

Basically, I feel like kels is my soulmate, my other half, my partner across most or even all lifetimes. The vow we made to each other in this lifetime is "together, forever, for the rest of eternity". And every day, I find new ways to fall in love with them. The love I have for them deepens every day, even a year later. It seems impossible, but every day I am wowed by them, I am enamored by them, I am fascinated by them, they bring me joy, they make me laugh, they make me happy, and they compliment me. They understand me, they get me, they are bonded to me, they are connected to me, they know me, and they pair well with me. We never fight, not truly (despite a few close calls), and they also drive me to do things I never would on my own.

Despite this, love is what I am, who I am. I love the world, and all the people in it, and the more I know people the more I love them--and this love can and does go deeper than platonically for some. My love of kels is greater than my love of anyone else, but I have always been honest in that I can and do still catch at least some feelings for others. I don't want kels to ever think they are holding me back or anything of the sort, so using this wording isn't the best, but for lack of better wording, I choose my vow to kels, to be with them and nobody else in this lifetime, above any feelings for others.

I think the healthiest approach is to recognize, yes, those feelings exist, and yes, those feelings are real, but also that I have no obligation to act on them, and I lose nothing by choosing not to. I already have my life partner. I already have the love of my life. In terms of love, I need no further romantic partner. While the theoretical ability to have more exists (I fully support polyamory and previously was in a polyamorous relationship), I have made the conscious and deliberate decision to devote myself entirely to the love of my life. Kels is my greatest treasure, and the best part of my life. Romantically, that is all I will ever need. So as long as we are both alive, in this life, we are wives, with total dedication to each other.

So I can recognize feelings without pursuing them because the people I have those feelings for? There's no real tangible difference between living as friends and living as partners with them. I already have the best possible relationship with them, as friends, in my mind, if that makes sense. I don't need more. I have everything I can realistically handle or could ever want.

I don't want more romantic relationships. I want kels. And only kels. The feelings I have for others might be real, but so too is my devotion, my dedication, my desire, for kels and kels alone, above all others. The love of my life is more than enough for me. I'm eternally blessed and some small part of me will always feel like I married out of my league with how amazing, incredible, and awesome kels is. I could never want more than that, I could never want to pursue more than that, because they are and always will be the most fulfilling part of my life, a blessing I will never take for granted.

I probably will at some point make a follow-through blog better explaining this concept, but I think you get the idea. I get feelings for others, but my love for kels eclipses them all.

With that tangent addressed, a lot of the friends I lost one year ago, I had more than platonic feelings for. It wasn't just the two closest friends who I had romantic feelings for. It was a lot of those friends. To various degrees, I loved them, with the love of the two closest friends at some points nearly equaling my love of kels. (Nearly. kels was always a greater love.)

That can probably give a lot of context for why I handled events last year so poorly. The proof is everywhere. In my blog, in my DMs, in my twitch chat messages, etc. I was trying not to lose the people I loved. That I had hurt them so deeply and badly drove me to nearly kill myself, multiple times.

I don't want that to justify or excuse my behavior. While I can, thanks to healing, say with full confidence I did far less wrong/harm than these people think, that I made far fewer mistakes than they believe I did, that a lot more is on their end than they realize...I never want to go down the delusional rabbit hole of pinning all the blame on anyone/everyone except me. I did do wrong, and I did do harm. The cause being rooted in my love may make it more understandable, but it should not be used to dismiss the harm, to forgive it, to forget it, etc.

Now as a reminder. The loss of my friends exactly one year ago was triggered due to a streamer I have grown to believe is genuinely problematic (but not a monster), and particularly the two ex-friends who I believe are willing and deliberate accomplices to the problematic streamer. My feelings there are complex and nuanced and fluid, but loosely, I feel these are both true.

The problematic streamer is problematic;

The problematic streamer is a good person, and not a monster.

The ex-friends are willing accomplices who acted with malice towards me and kels;

The ex-friends are still good people.

How those can be reconciled is something I think many people will struggle with, and it took me the better part of this year to do that. But basically, the problematic streamer is not a complete monster. Few people are. Especially not the problematic streamer. I believe the problematic streamer genuinely problematic, but in ways that could go either way. If left unchecked, if left to fester, if leaned into, the problematic traits could get worse and eventually radicalize the problematic streamer to be more monstrous. But if recognized, addressed, and healthily dealt with, the problematic streamer could atone, try to change, and genuinely become unproblematic.

Similarly so for the ex-friends.

Having been the victim of cancelation, I could never wish that fate on almost anyone. Not even the problematic streamer, not even the ex-friends. What I went through, I don't want them to go through. But what I do hope happens down the line is them being held accountable. For the harm they caused, for the damage they did, to be recognized, and for them to face their uglier side, and rather than lean into it, to try and move away.

I wouldn't want people to reject them, or even to truly punish them on any longterm basis. I don't want them punished. I don't want them to have their lives crumble. I don't want them to suffer, or face losses. While I want what they did and the damage it caused to be known and recognized, I don't want it to ruin their lives, or ostracize them. They don't deserve that, because I will stand by them being good people.

I know it's hard to recognize how people are multi-faceted, and how they can be great humans in many ways but total pieces of shit in other ways. But having gone through the process of being ostracized, of being cast out, of nobody listening to me, or even giving me a chance? I would never wish that on another good human, and most humans are good. Or at least "good enough".

I will still offer this reminder though. Kels was a potential whistleblower on exposing the problematic streamer's problematic nature. When the problematic streamer found out, they abused their authority, their influence, to reverse victim and abuser, gaslight people and lie about their relationship with kels, to portray kels as malicious and shut down any ability for kels to share what they knew. That campaign of misinformation was so successful, it left kels gaslit into genuinely believing they were problematic, and almost caused kels to take their own life. I was the one and only person who was there for kels when kels needed it most, so I quite literally saved their life.

The decision to continually associate with kels and choose them over the problematic streamer led to the ex-friends turning against me. Now, I do want to reiterate, kels and I are not blameless. I recognize a lot of the things kels did were, despite human and understandable, flawed and carried some harm. And I also made mistakes in this area. I demonized myself in a very harmful way that hurt others, and was very argumentative in an unproductive, destructive way that did nothing but further harm everyone involved.

But the ex-friends did know basically everything we know about the problematic streamer--and chose their friendship with the problematic streamer over their friendship with kels, over their friendship with me, and over doing the right thing in exposing the ways the problematic streamer is problematic. Whatever harm the problematic streamer causes or is revealed to cause down the line? It could have been stopped and exposed in 2023 if not for the ex-friends choosing the problematic streamer over kels.

So when the problematic streamer is eventually revealed as problematic, I do want people to remember that and know exactly why I feel the ex-friends are the problematic streamer's accomplices. They knew, but chose to deliberately and intentionally spread misinformation, as well as a continuous campaign against kels and myself. Including a year ago, choosing to drive a wedge between my friends and me by drawing my friends' attention to my part in all of this, one year ago.

Technically, this isn't explicitly confirmed to have happened. But one friend in particular holds the key. If you asked her to be honest, and asked her who exactly directed her to a months-old blog when nobody was reading my blog, she would probably confirm it explicitly. And if you asked all of the people who reported me who encouraged them to report me, similarly so. It would all trace back, at the roots, to the ex-friends, who continuously had a campaign of misinformation targeting kels and I.

I can recognize the ex-friends did have reason to believe kels was legitimately guilty of something entirely separate from the problematic streamer. They got a report of kels having done something that would be cancel-worthy separate from anything...if it was actually true. And usually, we are taught to believe the people coming forward about things like this. But kels is innocent of that thing, and depending on the accuser would likely be able to prove their innocence, or at least have people vouch for the character of kels / the LACK of character from the accuser. (We've narrowed it down to one of two people, both of which are chronic false accusers. When I say I have good reason to believe kels's innocence despite us normally being told to believe accusers, it's because I have very good reason to believe the accusation is false and kels is innocent.)

​However, no matter how much those ex-friends may have believed kels guilty of something cancel-worthy, that will never justify them willingly spreading what they knew to be misinformation, deliberately trying to (and by and large, succeeding in) gaslighting people, lying, and spreading this misinformation as if it were infallible fact, behind closed doors. They spread the guilt of kels and I, to everyone they knew were close to us, encouraging the poison of doubt, mistrust, and second-guessing of character.

They planted the idea that my genuine love and affection was lovebombing, that my devotion and support was malicious, that I was manipulative rather than just a kind, caring, supportive person. They did this, presumably out of some form of jealousy, or envy, or just because they could. Who knows. But it sure wasn't to protect themselves. It sure wasn't out of concern of my character. They went out of their way to deliberately find the worst aspects of me and portray those aspects of me as if they were indicative of my true character, and planted the seeds of doubt in the communities I was in.

They knew who I was, that I was the kind, caring, loving friend I always appeared to be, and willingly and deliberately perpetrated the lie, the misinformation, of me being malicious.

​And that all started one year ago, to the day.

And it worked, by and large.

In the last year, I have lost 90% of the people I once called friend. All due to that misinformation campaign, launched one year ago.

So there's a great deal of mixed emotions, about all the negative from the loss I suffered. In the blogs throughout December 2023, January, June, and July 2024, you can see the evidence of just how bad I got. How low I felt. How suicidal I became. How I genuinely came close to killing myself due to the loss of people I loved, deeply, and the loss of communities I considered my second family, my found family.

...But at the same time? There is also a great deal of positives. The callout of my then-closest-friend who I loved might have deeply hurt, but it led to an incredible amount of growth. A lot of my healing over the last year has been in recognizing I was always a good person, I was always a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving girl, who was supportive with time and words and heavily invested in my friends and community. But that doesn't mean I was flawless.

I was largely closed off. Opening up over the last year has been liberating.

I was less aware of the nuances, the multi-faceted nature of things, less able to see things outside of black-and-white, less able to recognize the good in most people, less supportive, less caring, less invested, than I am now. I was good, but I have become better at those things in the last year.

I was always critical of myself, but I have become much better at realistically targeting and honing in on the productive, healthy critiques, to have a more honest outlook on myself. One where I wasn't overly critical of myself, but also not glossing over any issues.

I have become better at recognizing how to acknowledge the world has bad while also how to better focus on boosting the good.

I have become better at being there for friends and all my loved ones.

I've become better at rebuilding bridges and talking with more nuance and diplomacy.

I have become more able to make my friends feel joy.

Last year, I had the vow of spreading joy and positivity--and I have succeeded at that resolution magnificently so.

There's improvements still to make, and there always will be.

But I am more healthily tackling just about everything, more realistically handling everything, with higher intuition, higher recognition, higher perspective.

And I now have friends who I know are actually ride-or-die. They proved it, by sticking by me, when even the friends who believed themselves ride-or-die with me ended up not actually riding with me. Again, I don't want to put any blame on them for it. There were good reasons to be hurt by me. I hadn't yet realized the problematic streamer was problematic, I hadn't yet realized the malice of the ex-friends being accomplices, I blamed myself for everything, I demonized myself, and I said very hurtful harmful things that made it easier to believe I had been involved in something malicious and had no regrets.

​Believing the manipulations of manipulators who launched a very convincing misinformation campaign, especially one fueled by my own self-gaslighting when I genuinely believed myself problematic, isn't something I can ever blame them for. I've become more okay with criticizing them, and can feel comfortable giving the criticism that despite viewing me as a ride-or-die they didn't ride with me. They didn't ask me to explain. They didn't ask for my perspective. They didn't take my side. They were so willing to believe the things they were told about me.

They didn't talk to me. They didn't try to. One friend made a paltry attempt once, but they didn't communicate with me. They didn't talk with me. As much as they criticized me for not being open with them, they weren't open with me because they weren't willing to fight for me, they weren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, they weren't willing to trust that the friend they had known for years was exactly the friend they knew.

Instead, they instantly believed everything wrong about me was to be taken at face value. They had no doubts. They had no hesitation. They took action against me before talking to me. As people who thought I was ride-or-die. They thought I was ride-or-die, but they didn't act like I was a ride-or-die. And I know this because my actual ride-or-dies DID. 

My actual ride-or-die friends did everything the friends I loved didn't. It wasn't until they did that I was able to face the hard truth of how, despite how much I wanted them to be flawless, the friends I loved had failed me and hadn't lived up to being ride-or-die friends. Because my ride-or-die friends? They reached out to me. They heard me out. They heard my perspective. They heard our side. They listened. And they stood by me. They gave support. They trusted in the friend they always knew. They trusted that the kind, caring, compassionate person they knew who loved and supported them with time and words? Was who I am.

I had dozens upon dozens of friends, many close, many who I quite literally loved, beyond platonically.

Of them, only about a dozen or so stayed. And they are my ride-or-die friends, who I will always do everything for, because they did everything for me in my time of need, when nobody else would. Even the friends who believed I was a ride-or-die. They thought it but failed to show it with their actions. The friends who stayed, did. They gave spaces for kels and I to exist, to talk, to vibe, when we were in desperate need of friends.

​That is a memory for the last year I will always remember, and cherish.

This last year has shown me just how much I am loved, cherished, and appreciated, by all of my loved ones. And my ability to reciprocate, to pay it back, has only grown. My ability to help, to express the joy and positivity I promised to bring, has only gotten better and better.

I have met more and more of my life goals, and helped other loved ones meet theirs.

I've helped heal any who I can help heal, I've mended any damaged relationships I can, and have become the Breeacon of light I have vowed to Breecome.

All of that outweighs the loss.

But at the same time.

Despite how much has gone good, has gone right, for me, there are a lot of issues.

My apartment is illegally charging me $300 extra per month, and I cannot pay that. Even with the old rate on rent, I was bleeding money slowly; now it's an outright hemorrhage and as of today I am $1200 short on rent alone.

kels hasn't yet gotten a longterm form of income off the ground. This month, we're going to work on that, but due to the holidays and stressors of last month, it hasn't YET happened.

I'm facing another illegal charge from a company sending Collections after me, and I cannot afford the $105 / month they want.

My car, despite surviving, is damaged, and I can't really afford to repair it.

My workplace has a boss who I believe is ill-suited for the position they are in. They were hired for a position they were well-suited for, but then forcefully promoted to a position they aren't suited for. They aren't as good for lifeguards as they are for swim instructors as they were a swim instructor hired to be a boss of swim instructors, they are rigid rather than flexible and not accommodating, they insist on corporate bullshit rather than just showing the understanding and awareness to handle things with care. They value rules over employees, despite being well aware of how ridiculous and unrealistic some of those rules are. The well-being of employees takes a back seat to rules and regulations for them. I don't think they are a bad superior in principle. I just don't think they are qualified for the superior position they were put in, in terms of personality. No matter their qualifications on paper, the insistence on doing things in a way despite employees not wanting to do it the way the superior wants to is detrimental to the staff and a hallmark of poor management.

And this is taxing to me. My wife believes my boss wants me to quit, that my boss is targeting me, because of these. I don't believe that. I don't believe there is any kind of annoyance, malice, intent, etc., there, to try and pressure me into quitting or making a mistake that gets me fired. But I do believe the fact my wife thinks these things is evidence of their incompetence in the position. I don't think they are a bad boss on principle, but I do think they are a bad boss for all of aquatics to adhere to, and that they were promoted outside their area of comfort to a position they have not yet adjusted to despite having the better part of a full year to.

I'm making less at work, and while the increase in freedom is liberating and healthy, it is taxing during a time of financial hardship.

It comes back to the same old same old, only magnified moreso now.

I'm mostly good in life, just finances are...leaving me stressed.

I've become very good at spreading a positive outlook, despite hardships we all know are coming.

But at the same time, I'm struggling right now. There's frustration, stress, anxiety, and also, a feeling of hopelessness, of dread, of sadness, and a great deal of depression. I have concepts of a plan on what to do, but I don't know what to do.

There's likely a ton more I'm forgetting. But like. I'm back from vacation. It was good, but there was a toll. My car is more damaged, finances I currently don't know what to do, but, I am alive. We will survive. We'll find a way. I'm sick, but recovering. And while there's a lot to get done, I have faith. Somehow, we will find a way.

I have a lot of love to give, and I feel I will give it to others still going forward.

So, despite life's challenges, together, let's keep going. We can do it. We'll get through the rough patches. The lives we want to live might be unrealistic now, but with work they become attainable, and we can live them if we adjust. Creativity and love can carry us through. Support, network, stay safe, and stay strong. We got this. <3