Things were going so well...

...But I can't catch a break in life it seems.

kels and I were on the upswing.

I was being left busy, but not entirely burnt out. I was left tired, but fulfilled. I was doing things.

I have a good schedule for me.

kels has a job.

We've been looking to a brighter future.

I've been releasing TikToks almost every day, which have been performing bafflingly well--I expect about half a dozen to a dozen views, at most. I'm nothing remarkable, I expect zero visibility. Yet I'm getting hundreds of views. Not thousands, but hundreds. People are seeing my videos. I consider that a remarkable level of success, all things considered.

I'm making the content I want to be.

I got my Patreon off the ground, and am releasing content for it.

I've been streaming regularly and been doing great.

I've done fantastic, with everything going right.

Everything...except for one thing.

...we're at minimum $400 short for bills this month. Potentially, double to triple that. Realistically, we need $800 - $1200 to pay all of our bills.

And we need to pay them at the beginning of October.

It's September 26th.

October is one week away.

...How could we possibly get $1000 in one week???

Like...I have been listening as much as I can to my guides, of not pushing myself too much. I've ignore thoughts of "I'm moving too slow", because I've been accomplishing plenty! I made a new twitch emote, I updated a few more on both my twitch and my discord.

I've been creating content. Not high-quality content, but been creating it all the same.

I haven't been doing everything I want (this blog is included)...but I have been doing MOST of what I want.

And I feel like I have momentum!

I feel like I have a good start.

I don't want to obsess over numbers, but the numbers are actually encouraging. I'm getting ad revenue from Twitch. I've gotten really good at getting at least some amount of work done. My discord is nearly complete, with all the work I have done on it. My Twitch is getting improvement every day I work on it. My TikTok has momentum, despite my lack of quality. My YouTube is admittedly kinda dead, because all I've been doing is uploading raw unedited vods, but creating content for my Patreon and beginning to make some for my Ko-fi is a great beginning.

I know I'm not pursuing everything I want, but I am pursuing a great deal of what I want.

I'm doing, to the best of my ability, exactly what my guides are pushing me to do: content creation. TikTok videos and streams.

I know they also want me to write, and on that front I've struggled to make the time admittedly.

I think they also want me to make music and/or some of my more ambitious ideas like video games (I actually made the complete concept for an entire Danganronpa-style Visual Novel Horror/Puzzle/Mystery game with nine characters), but those do require some skills I need to build up to actually make.

I know one area they consistently do is "It's okay to ask for help", and that's one area I'm somewhat lacking in. I've asked for help, but probably not in the ways they want me to.

But still! It feels like if before 40 - 90% of the groundwork was there, now it's 60 - 99%. I'm so close to having my dreams all come true.

Kels is working, I have the groundwork for secondary income, my job isn't sucking my soul and is giving consistent, reasonable hours. We have everything we need going into October...

...Except the money to pay for rent, utilities, and groceries.

I was expecting to get paid on Friday with the amount needed to make rent.

I got paid on Tuesday with ~$400 less than anticipated.

And that's...the minimum amount we're short by.

$400 would get us within striking range of paying rent. Throw in a few extra hundred for utilities and then another hundred or two for gas and groceries, and that's the $800 - $1200 we're short by.

And we're not getting money.

So I'm just...kinda at a loss.

I was so sure that we had ~$1000 in the bank already, and that the paycheck would bring us up to ~$2000. Just enough to potentially scrape by. (All expenses in a month are ~$2500 give or take a couple hundred or so.)

...We have half that.

And I just...don't know what to do.

I'm already doing everything I can think of.

I know there's potential blood/plasma donations, if I can get my blood typed, but I don't know how to get that.

I'm investigating if I can become a driver for those services which involve driving around for food/items/etc.

Which would technically be a third job if content creation counts as a second job for me.

We technically can use a food bank, although the food they give is often 75% expired, usually by weeks.

And like...I don't know what to do.

How do I get $1000+ in one week? With it not having consequences down the line?

I know hundreds of people. I talk to dozens of them regularly. I'm well-networked. But I don't know how to use that network. I don't know how to have all the people I know be given ways to reliably support me, and quickly.

I don't have any ideas.

And I'm feeling pretty defeated.

I was already struggling with depression for the last week or so. Depression has been dragging me down.

But when I got the bad news back that I didn't have nearly the amount ready for the end of the month I thought I did...

...I've been left pretty broken.

I don't know what to do.

I need help.

I want to help myself, because it feels like if I don't help myself then nobody will actually help me. I have to put the work in. But...I don't know what to put the work in for. I just need...a little bit of a boost. And I'm not sure how to get it, but if I don't...then I don't know how we're going to make it.

We're so close.

We're so close.

We can't give it up.

We can't give up.

We have to get through this rough patch.

I can feel it. The breakthrough. The pursuit of life and happiness.

We're so close to having it all, where I am pursuing my dreams of making a living as a content creator.

I have good ideas, and they are close to being made real.

I just...need a small push in the right direction, a small bit of luck, a small bit of good fortune, a small amount of support.

I know I can do what I want to do before the end of the year.

But I don't have the ability to do it all right now, despite the need for it.

So like...I need help. I don't know what help. I need some of it tho. Because we're not well-off. And I'm sick and tired of not being well-off, of all the frustrations of not being able to live life fully.