The non-app web browser for weebly is terrible, and there’s none for wix, but I still want to try and air this thought out.
This may or may not work, we'll have to see.
But...being honest, I'm not in a good place mentally, and I'm sorry everyone.
I am a selfish bitch.
Yes, that’s born from impostor syndrome, but I needed to express it anyway.
I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of loss, sadness, and dread over having lost those that I have, as well as an intense fear of how poorly they perceive me.
I keep making it about me.
But it’s really about them.
I'm not the one in pain.
I'm not the one hurting.
I'm not the one who thinks being around me is unsafe.
I'm not the one who was shocked and appalled at the actions that were inferred.
I'm not the one who felt betrayed.
I'm not the one who is questioning every interaction with me.
I'm not the one who is trying to move on.
I'm not the one who is afraid of me.
I'm not the one trying to keep people safe.
I'm not the one trying to do the right thing even if it hurts.
Well, for some I might be, but FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, I'm not.
They are.
The people I hurt are the ones in pain.
The people in pain due to me are the ones suffering.
The people who think I'm unsafe to be around are valid.
The people who were shocked and appalled at my inferred actions are valid to feel that.
The people who feel betrayed are right to feel their hurt.
The people questioning my motives and actions are valid.
People wanting to move on from me should be respected.
People afraid of me are valid to feel fear about how I act.
People who are trying to keep their communities safe are right to have done so.
People trying to do the right thing should never carry fault, let alone, remorse or regret for it.
I know all that!
It’s about them, and their experiences.
Mine are invalid.
Mine don’t matter. They matter. The people who got hurt are important. The one who did the hurting is irrelevant. I know! I am always preaching it.
So, I am a selfish bitch for not following through. Because despite knowing It’s about them...
...I still make it about me.
I feel so alone.
I feel so lonely.
Countless people have offered to help.
My good friend who I used to date.
People from ComicFury.
People from the mafia site I frequent.
Discord friends.
Heck!
Even one of the people who I badly hurt (the ones I least wanted to hurt of all, yet most badly hurt of all), offered to help me, in what limited capacity they can while they are healing from my hurt.
Which, every time I send a message to them, I get nauseous. Sick to my stomach because I just feel like I'm making things worse. They should be left alone, the last thing they need is for me to trouble them so every time I do, I'm extra pathetic and hurtful and I am so sorry, because they deserve better than me and give me far more empathy than I am worthy of.
And I know my fiancé is trying to help, too! They’re not dumb. They know something is off about me, somethings has happened, and they want to help so badly.
Yet despite being surrounded by a network of love and care...I feel so isolated.
And I'm scared.
I'm crying.
I'm hurting.
And it’s all my fault.
Everyone wants to help me. Despite the fact I am unworthy of being helped, they still offer.
But I don’t think anyone can.
I'm too broken.
I'm too pathetic.
I'm a worthless selfish bitch.
And I hate it. I should know better than to be this selfish. The person who is the issue has no right to be suffering.
I just want to find a path forward of healing and helping others.
I just want to be what I always have been, just slightly better, and promote happiness and joy.
Yet I'm just...so BAD at it all.
Every time I try to help, I only make things worse.
Every time I try to do good, I fuck up and do harm.
And no matter how noble my intentions, what matters is my effect on others and that effect is just, I always end up doing harm.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so pathetic.
Nobody deserves to bear through what I put them through.
I don’t deserve to exist.
I don’t deserve forgiveness.
I don’t deserve a second chance.
Yet I selfishly want them all.
I so badly want to not hurt people and to help them heal, yet they seem to heal easiest when I'm not around. I am a problem, and I don’t want to be.
I'm having dark thoughts linger alarmingly long, thoughts I last had 15 years ago.
I'm scared.
I'm so, so scared.
I'm just a fuckup.
I shouldn’t have even sent the messages that I have to those offering help. I'm just burdening them with something which is my shortcomings.
I'm good for nothing but causing harm.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so so sorry.
For everything.
I want to do the right thing, but I don’t know what that is.
I'm barely holding on, and that’s even with the boosts I am getting from the support I don’t deserve to have.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live right now. I am a failure on every level. I'm supposed to be empathetic, to understand others, to put them first, not be whining. I'm meant to uplift others, heal them, spread joy of laughter and happiness, but right now I'm bringing only negativity.
I'm so sorry. I'm just...so very sorry.
I don’t know how to apologize.
I want to just say, I deserve my punishment and will not appeal it ever. I don’t want to ever trouble anyone again. And I'm so sorry.
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