I'm free.

That might seem like an unusual title for a blog if you know the full circumstances behind what happened today, but it will make sense.

I have a bad tendency to overshare publicly, or on my blog to half-overshare half-undershare where I both share too much and yet don't share enough, and today's entry will likely be no different than that.

I'll say that I am comfortable disclosing what I am disclosing in part because I was willing to go public with everything that has gone on since March 21st, 2023. Including on this blog. I was willing to disclose it all, start to finish, cover it all, despite all the risks, despite all the potential harm it could cause. In fact...I had previously promised my fiance that if one of two things happened, I would do exactly that.

I have been of the mindset of trying to move on from what happened, and despite its continued presence reappearing--in December for me, in April for both me and my fiance, and today for me--I never wanted to fight. I wanted to move on. But they wanted to go public, to fight back, and I was the one who convinced them not to...with the caveat that if one of two things happened, that I would not keep moving on, that I would go public and fight.

So when it happened today...I was ready to begin the process of going public. I had promised I would, and I always keep my word. Yet...my fiance doesn't want to fight. My fiance doesn't want to go through the struggle which comes with going public and sharing. They just want to move on in life and rebuild. They have taken my previous stance, despite me being ready to have embraced their previous stance.

So that's why I'm comfortable sharing everything I am sharing now. It's because I was ready to go public, and my fiance is the reason why I am currently opting not to.

So, because I am currently opting not to go public, I'm not going to share the details.

But I'm free.

I'm free from having the weight on my shoulders.

I'm free from the fear of losing people--I just lost most of them. And over the course of days, weeks, maybe a couple months, will lose more. All for the same thing.

I'm free from my anxieties.

I'm free from the burden of feeling guilt, for remaining in spaces despite my past failings.

I'm free from the desire to help people--I have been dealing with a longtime struggle for most of my life between pursuing helping others with my investment in their lives, and pursuing my creativity.

There's a finite amount of time in a day. So every bit of time I spend in a space with friends is a bit of time I don't spend working on my ideas. I had previously resigned myself to having given up on basically all of my ideas, because I had chosen the spaces with the friends over the creative works. I had opted out of being a hermit to opt into socializing.

And now I am free from that, because having lost those spaces, I have lost that limitation on my creativity.

I don't want to imply those spaces were limiting. I don't want to imply those spaces were a burden. I don't want to imply those spaces were negative. I don't want to imply those spaces were in any way a waste of time. Nor do I want to imply I have no sense of loss or sadness for them. There is a great deal of grief to be had.

But--I want to say this much.

I was okay to devote the vast majority of my life to those spaces. I was okay with spreading joy and positivity. I was okay with just being that friend who was always there. I was okay with being that person who was always willing to listen. I was willing to give my love to them, unconditionally, because I cared. And I did. Arguably too much, to be honest. To an unhealthy level.

Both to myself, with how much of me I was giving, and to others, who were uncomfortable with how invested I was. Even though my intentions were innocent and good in theory, I recognize I went too far. I was working on toning it back, on being less overwhelming, less overbearing, less invested, etc. But I didn't do so soon enough, quickly enough, etc. I cared too much, and wasn't able to care less until it was too late.

And now I am free.

I recognize I will never get those spaces back. Ever. And that knowledge is liberating.

I will not need to deal with the constant "what if"s of thinking about maybe things improving.

I will not need to deal with the consistent false hope.

I will not need to deal with any of my worries, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, relating to them.

I am free of it. Forever.

​I know I am still in the process of losing people. But now I won't need to worry about losing people anymore. The events which have been set into motion have forced what will be a decision from them. Either they choose to cut me out, or they choose to keep me in their life. I won't need to worry about them doing that months or years from now. They are going to be deciding in minutes, hours, days, maybe at the most weeks.

And that's liberating. Because it means that those who stay were the friends worth keeping. And those who leave were the friends who weren't. And that will give me a better freedom of deciding where to invest my time. Friends worth keeping will get my time, and friends who don't want my time won't get it, allowing me to give time elsewhere.

There's a huge level of freedom to be had in just...no longer needing to overextend myself.

To not try and do too much all at once.

To not try and help everyone.

To not try and be in too many spaces.

To not need to worry.

To not need to fear.

To not have all those anxieties.

To not have all those what-ifs.

​To not have all those fantasies.

There's a huge amount of freedom and liberation in being able to...not worry about hurting people anymore.

I've been worried about hurting people ever since July of last year.

I've been afraid I was going to badly hurt people who I had befriended.

I was worried I would leave nothing but bad memories and vibes in their hearts.

I was afraid of souring their worldviews.

I was terrified I would embitter them.

I was so scared I was going to make them cynical and jaded from having their hearts so to speak broken by me.

And now, I don't need to worry anymore.

It's for a bad reason--because it happened en masse.

The event I was afraid of for the better part of a year just happened, and the result is going to be all of those fears being realized.

And there is a great deal of liberation in knowing it has happened.

Because now I am free.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I was afraid I would.

I constantly was working on trying to avoid hurting people.

To leave good vibes.

To spread joy and positivity.

To leave my legacy as being that person who cared, who loves, who has nothing but investment in the goodness and wellbeing of others.

And I was afraid it would all be destroyed.

I was afraid it would all be reversed.

And maybe it did...

...But now, I don't need to worry about it anymore.

I don't need to care anymore, as I have.

I don't need to focus so much time and effort into the wellbeing of others.

I can live my life now.

​So I am free.

I will always share in private the details to any who want to hear me out.

But in public, I don't want to go into more detail than this without my fiance by my side.

Still.

Despite my sadness.

Despite my sense of loss.

Despite my dread of knowing I am not quite done losing people and places, as this just happened.

I am free.

I know it's weird, that mindset.

It probably makes no sense to those who don't really get me.

But I have always tried to focus on the positives.

I have always tried to see the silver linings.

Not in a toxic positivity way.

But in a "I want to find a way to move forward" way.

And there's many negatives.

I will continue to have this follow me unless I go public.

Not going public carries the consequences of me potentially losing spaces and friends I could have kept by having gone public.

That I have been this force of good, this force of positivity and joy, that I cared so much and was invested so much, only to have my flaws revealed and cause my removal means that there will be countless people. Dozens, maybe even hundreds. Who are negatively impacted by the revelation.

People are going to get hurt by me, badly, and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. It's happened already, it's happening now, it will continue to happen into the near future.

But I have no control over that. I need to surrender. I need to accept it will happen and there's nothing that I can do to change it. The mistakes I made carried consequences, and I need to accept those consequences manifesting.

​And because I can't stop those negatives from happening.

While I can acknowledge they are happening--there's no reason to focus on what I can't change.

I can't change what I've done. All I can do is change my future.

And with the release of this...I can focus on the positives.

And the positives are that I will soon have nothing left to lose.

Everything I could have lost, I either will have lost or will have kept.

I will have nothing left to prevent me from pursuing what I want to do.

I will have more time available for my creativity.

For a long time now, my spirit guides have been telling me to focus on my ideas, to focus on my creativity, and to embrace my gifts in making things. I'd been consistently neglecting those in favor of focusing on keeping people in my life I was holding onto despite knowing I was likely going to lose them down the line.

And now...that is gone.

It happened.

So I am free to start doing the things I want to.

​To write.

To show my system.

To do my art.

To create music.

To dance.

To embrace my talents as a creator.

And that is why I will be okay.

I am sad, to be sure. I am always going to feel saddened by those whose lives are going to be made worse by learning of my flaws.

But I am not going to spiral.

I am going to be alright.

I have the sadness of knowing all those who I have lost and will lose.

But I am going to be okay, because I have the happiness of knowing about all those who stay.

​Thank you all.