...I've gotten back into the groove of blogging with the time-tested true tradition on this blog:
Writer's block!
Or lack of time.
Or lack of motivation.
Or...
...you get the idea.
BUT.
I do want to at least acknowledge things.
I wanted to make a blog detailing the deleted blogs. Given the importance of it, I might do that actually, despite how traditionally, "I'll blog this later" means I never will.
I wanted to make a blog about my similarity to a character in the song "Don't Speak", which I might or might not get back to.
I want to make various uplifting, but also philosophical, statements.
I'm, ah, not really up to anything tbh.
But, I'll let you know, I did go through with the problematic blog deletion. I know, too little too late. The hurt was already done. The harm was already caused. The pain already inflicted. And people already know about my mistakes, they know about what I did wrong, and know how badly I messed up. I'm sure despite me having already explained my reasons, the more cynical towards my character will think it some form of last-ditch effort to hide my blunders, to cover it up, to stop fallout, to save my own skin.
I know all that, but whether they will believe me or not, I did state my reasons. Despite me having already hurt the most important people in the world to me, despite the harm I caused them, I knew those blogs in particular would be extra harmful to everyone if left up indefinitely.
I normally wouldn't delete a mistake from public record, but for this mistake, it felt needed.
Now, I should say. I don't feel like mistakes should be deleted in general, despite me having removed this one. People deserve to see what people were. But I live by the principle of doing the least amount of harm and greatest amount of good. I don't want to pretend I was better than I was. I don't want to pretend I'm good, to rewrite history, to make myself look good when I wasn't. But, I felt that no good would come from people observing the harmful blogs, whereas I've living proof that leaving them up can cause harm months later.
If someone can be harmed by them at any time and no good could come from leaving the mistake public...then the best thing to do would be to remove it. So I did.
I'll also say. I wanted to add more philosophy to this blog. By pointing out how everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. And these days, we have an awful tendency to live in the past--judging people by their past mistakes, rather than judging them by who they are in the present. And to go into the details of all that wishful thinking, about how it's bad to focus on the negatives and ignore the positives just like it's bad to do the inverse.
I wanted to point out how it's best to live the life of choosing the path of fewest regrets. And how people could solve a lot by just asking,
"Am I happy with X around" /
"I am happy with X gone" /Â
"I am sad with X gone" /Â
"I am sad with X around".
But don't have the nuances to explain it.
And most of all, despite how good and valid the advice may be.
The truth of the matter is, right now, despite me having made the thoughts earnestly and without an agenda.
In this moment, were I to blog about it, it'd be selfish, because it'd be wishful thinking.
I want people to have me around. I want people to forgive me. I want to do things with people. I want to be their friend. I want to help people.
I deserve none of those. I'm worthy of none. And I know it. And the people hurt by me know it, too. Actions have consequences. And my actions carry the consequences where I won't ever be worthy of having what I want. There's nothing I can do to heal hurt. There's nothing I can do to make people feel better. All I can do is my best to say and do what people need, and with luck, it will help them at some point.