"I don't know what to think about Bree"

If that or anything similar is a thought you have, I'll let you in on a secret:

We don't know what to think about ourselves, either.

Are we a monster?

Are we a good person?

Were we a monster that is now a good person?

Are we both?

Are we neither?

We don't know.

In general, it's hard to get a lock on us because we have no lock on ourselves. People tend to see only small parts of us, but even when they see almost everything, we're baffling. Source, we see everything about us and are still clueless. Our mind is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same about us. Our values, our principles, our philosophies, our feelings, our interests, we're constantly someone different, and yet, still feel like the same to an external view.

We don't seem like a different person, yet we do seem like a different person, all at the same time. So, what's real?

We don't know. Is it all real? Is none of it real? Both? Mixture? We've tried to figure it out our whole lives.

But, maybe this brief rundown will help people.

We are plural, a median system. What that means is that we are all Bree, but also have individuality beyond being Bree.

Bree is a collective of all of us, and that collective shifts over time. Some on its own, mostly with the input of us. So, Bree as you know her has changed constantly as we change. It genuinely can take a single daydream of hers to cause a lifetime shift in philosophy, for instance, because if that daydream spawned a facet whose ideas are influential, it spreads.

We have ADHD, so we constantly shift areas of focus and expertise.

Specific facets were designed for specific tasks. Blog writing, for instance, is different from mafia, is different from other-mafia, is different from twitch, is different from discord, is different from other-discord, is different from life, etc. You get the idea. So a facet interacting can be entirely different from a different facet interacting.

We have bipolar disorder, and numerous anxieties, including imposter syndrome.

We are also autistic. We have an extreme sense of empathy, naturally attuned to the emotions of others, but also weirdly blind to them at the same time.

There's more, but these are the relevant ones for the rundown.

We have been a troubled person since the age of 14. We were monstrous, even sociopathic, from about the age of 14-17.

We were narcissistic from the age of about 16-19.

Between the two, I was very bad. I knew there was something wrong with me, or wrong with the world (spoiler alert, we're trans!), but I lashed out. And I thought I owned the world. I thought I was entitled. I thought I was able to get away with almost anything, and I was not going to face consequences.

I deliberately keep the details of my wrongdoings vague on my blog, but vivid in my dreams. I don't want this space to be a space of harm, a space which hurts, a space which causes damage and ruins lives. But I was bad. Very bad.

And then I got better. I grew a conscience. Or rather, my 13 year old conscience resurfaced. I've been kind and empathetic my whole life, but it first got twisted into something monstrous at the age of 14-19.

Which launched an endless cycle.

I learned from the mistake. I was horrified by it. Mortified by it. I swore to never again be that person. I worked to atone. From my own dark history, I became a better person in helping others. I knew I had caused harm, and my way of making up for it was to heal others, help others.

And then, something causes the dark side of me to resurface. So I hurt them, the very people who were endeared to me, the very people I swore to help, and the hurt was deeper than the earlier hurt because when you have been good to people and suddenly aren't, the pain, the hurt, is much worse than if you were a relative stranger, as it was the first time.

So I learn from the mistake. I'm horrified. I'm mortified. I want to do better. And I do. I learn. The past mistakes build off of each other and make me an even better person, meaning I am better at helping people. I work extra hard to atone for my sins, and try to redeem myself. And then I do the same thing. I'm even better at helping people than before, so when I end up screwing up and hurting them, the hurt is deeper than the last time.

That's been going on for at least ten years. maybe 15.

I am always a screwup. I always mess up. My dark side never truly goes away. It's always there, always a threat, always something which terrifies me. My past is continuously mortifying, horrifying me with how monstrous I am, increasing my fear. My imposter syndrome combined with my depression tells me I am just manipulating people, just using them, that I am a monster and always will be. But at the same time, I fight against the destructive harmful urges and try to be the beacon of positivity and niceness I know I am at my best.

A few months ago, I had my latest bout with darkness. I was stupid. I was not okay. I was in a bad mental state. I was emotionally compromised. And in this state of darkness, I made a horrible mistake. I did terrible things, said horrific things. I was a monster. And I became even more scared of my past self, from having seen the damage I could cause. Perhaps it's arrogance combined with imposter syndrome, but I genuinely think I at my worst am capable of ruining lifelong relationships. I know what strings I can pull. And that horrifies me. That is not a good thing. It's a terrible, horrific, mortifying thing.

So...I need to not do it.

I thought I was on the path to doing better, perhaps forever. I've 30 years of experience to learn from my mistakes, to hopefully never make a harmful one again. But it still follows me. It will never go away. Any and all of my past sins are still there. They're in me as a risk to resurface, as well as in my past and there for any who dare venture there to discover and be horrified by.

I can do so much bad,

But I want to do only good. I'm tired of doing harm. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing pain. But I can never promise I won't, because every past time I thought was the last and spoiler alert, it wasn't. I don't want to be a bad person though. I want to be a good person. I want to help people. I want to uplift them.

In the last few months, we've gotten very good at this, in part because of our failure a few months ago. I've learned to accept their perspective, even if it's different than mine. I've learned to be more accepting of their choices and decisions, even if I am saddened by them. I've learned to understand where they are coming from. I've learned to view things from their perspective. I've learned to see their emotions and understand their pain, their suffering. And I've learned how to approach them better.

The pathetic sad dark side of me calls that manipulation training. I've been manipulating people since I was 13, due to playing mafia. (It's a necessity for the informed minority, and still useful for the uninformed majority.) But the more hopeful idealistic side of me points out that you can view things in more than one light. At its worst it would be--at its best? It's the exact place to be to promote healing and growth. Those are the skills needed to help uplift people.

And I've a good track record of having done so. I know how to target my humor to an individual and make it land. I know how to support them. I remember info about them to help give them advice. I know how to make them feel more optimistic. I know how to steer them in a more positive direction. I know how to avoid toxic positivity--sometimes, people don't want or need advice, but rather, just need a vent. I know how to recognize it, and to differentiate between the two.

And I just want to perfect that art, Of helping, not hurting.

Still.

I know what I want doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Intention matters not in the face of what others perceive.

Some people perceive only my worst side, and think me a monster. They're valid.

Some people perceive only my best side, and think me an angel. They're valid, even if my perspective is that's naive and foolish of them to not know I'm far too flawed for that title.

Some people see almost all of me, and still think I'm a good person. I thank them, and this is what I will always strive for.

But some people see almost all of me, and are mortified, terrified, horrified, and badly hurt by it. And they are valid, too. They are right, and this is how I mostly see myself. There's more good than bad to me, but the bad is made worse by the good being so prominent.

I've tried to figure out what's me by looking at myself through the eyes of others, and looking at their perception of me. If I'm to be the empathetic person I strive to be, then seeing what they see, understanding it, and accepting it is important. But, there's no clear answer because I'm not clearly anything.

Except a mess.

A hot mess.

So...I guess, when you walk away, you can see me however you want to. Don't be afraid to let me know, even if it's not a flattering take. I hate myself often. I hate what I've done. I live with my regrets. I will be haunted by what I've done my whole life. I've done monstrous things, made worse by how I've done good things, but I still want to do good. I want to atone for all the bad. I will regret it my whole life, but nothing I've done can be undone.

My actions have consequences. I know that. So whatever consequences you think are worthy of my actions can and should be done.

I only hope that when all is said and done, I still have a path to make a positive difference in the world.

​Because I do truly love it, and all the people within.