Obviously, I'm not blogging every day as I used to, despite how my blog went over ten years as a consistently daily blog. So I'm not really using my blog for daily check-ins. I'm using my BlueSky account to post them, and then refining them on the mafia site I played on, and then posting the refined versions to discord in every community I am welcome to post them in.
But I wanted to explain a few things about them.
The first is a reminder about their primary purpose.
First and foremost, my daily check-ins are meant to let people know I am alive and okay--if I end up missing a place due to the stressors of life for a day or two, then no problem, as long as I am posting them elsewhere; if I suddenly go silent everywhere for over a couple of days with no prior warning or explanation, then I want people to know something has changed, something has gone wrong.
I want the presence of me to be taken for granted, so that any absence of me is alarming and is suddenly something to investigate why. It genuinely could potentially save my life, or if it's too late to save my life, then it could at least inform people of this fact, and allow them to contact my other loved ones, inform them, and collectively grieve the loss of me.
As time goes on, the number of spaces I am in changes. Realistically I can only handle being in so many. I will lose some spaces I was in, I will stop remembering in some spaces I was in, etc., while also occasionally gaining new spaces to be in. But as long as I am able to, I want to provide confirmation I am alive and okay enough to post on the given day. It needn't be anything revolutionary, but just a simple message can say I am still there.
However, I do have a preference in the form of check-in I provide. Because I want to normalize check-ins, I want to also normalize an environment which fosters the ability for others to check in themselves. I don't think people need to post their own affirmations because not everyone can--but I do want to normalize telling people you are alive, you are okay, and you love them. To let people know you're still around and you still care.
I do affirmations with most of my daily check-ins because that's the energy I want to send into the world. But any form of check-in is something. The reason I do affirmations specifically is because I know I have a talent with them. One of my past daily affirmations said, "if you think something is something anyone can do, chances are, that something is your talent, your skill". And that came from my own experience. I previously viewed supporting people like I do as something anyone could do.
I didn't think it was anything special, or remarkable. I just took it as a given, took it for granted, as something anyone could do. But with time, I've been able to realize that it is something special. Even if it's something anyone could do, I do it a lot more easily and naturally than most people, because it's something that just...is what I am good at doing.
From a spiritual perspective, this is because I have been told time and time again: "You are a healer" with a side of "you are a teacher". I heal and I educate. I have been described as having a bright light around me, a radiant energy. I have been told countless times I am a form of sun, a form of light, that I spread light into the world. Regardless of whether you put stock into those spiritual things, they do seem to have truth to them because, well...I am good at the affirmations.
And from a more practical side...it is because of my life experiences.
I have lived a very storied life and covered a wide array of beliefs, of perspectives, of life circumstances, of philosophies, of emotions, of states of being.
I have made hundreds, if not thousands, of friends. Every time a friend struggled, I read about it. I listened. Every time they had a hard time, I paid attention. (That may be the autism, but who knows?) I had a natural desire to help them, and did my best to. (That's probably due to innately high empathy for others.)
And I remembered my own darker times and what I lived through. In my darkest moment, how my empathy almost got extinguished, and how after I realized how close I had come to becoming apathetic to others, I was racked with the guilt of this and set out to atone. (This was before I was 18 by the way. The darkest period of my life was then, and it will always be the darkest period of my life because of how close I came to doing the unthinkable.)
I have experienced such extreme darkness, such extreme hate, such extreme loathing, such extreme guilt, and every negative emotion you can think of. I have become increasingly jaded. I was always a naive idealistic childish optimistic enthusiastic kid. But that outlook got repeatedly destroyed, leaving me increasingly bitter, cynical, pessimistic, defeated, jaded, and all-around spiteful. Yet I kept going, and despite everything...
...I ended up becoming able to reconnect with who I always ways. And I found my idealism, my optimism, my enthusiasm, my awe, my wonder, my belief in the better parts of the world, was stronger than that cynicism. (This is probably both plurality and also bipolar disorder.) Despite how messy my life and the world is, I see the beauty in it and everyone within. My hope became greater than any level of dread or despair could be.
My love grew, and got stronger with time.
And I almost never stopped wanting to help people.
And having needed help myself.
And seen others in need of help.
I paid attention.
I saw what didn't help me.
I knew what did help.
I saw what didn't help others.
I saw what did help others.
I remembered. I adjusted. I learned. I refined. To become more and more supportive to friends and loved ones.
I deal with crippling depression and bad life things happening, as well as having my life remain a mess--but at the same time, I have persevered, overall, with the help of loved ones, to help give me the reminders I have built my life up with.
So I have 31 going on 32 years (well pragmatically about 4 less than that or so) of living life as an autistic plural transwoman lesbian with bipolar disorder and adhd, living with crippling anxiety, with great dreams and the shattering of them by knowing just how unobtainable they are.
Hope, love, and support give me the strength to overcome life's challenges.
And it's never easy.
But I feel obligated to do what I can. I know I can't do much, but because of the life I have lived, the skills I have nurtured, I know I am good at giving the reminders which help people like me, which help my friends, which help heal the world, give strength, give hope, give small boosts of support and guidance.
It might not make much of a difference, but it also makes a difference.
Listening. Learning. Paying attention. Providing support. Finding what helped you, and seeing how it may help others. Finding what helped others, and seeing if it may help even more. Giving love, support, and empathy. Making people felt seen, felt heard.
It's not something that is easy to do, but it is something that when done, can just...make a small bit of light in a world filled with darkness. So as long as I am alive and okay, I will continue to do so in every space I am allowed to.
I know I can't make much of a difference. I know I can't do much tangible. But any little reminder, any little bit of support, any little bit of light in life, I will happily provide. So, I hope you all can stay strong. Much love. <3
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