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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

Every step I take...

...I just have all these doubts about what I am doing.

But, I want to do the best I can.

I want to respect the space of those hurt, respect their boundaries, respect their decisions, accept their judgement, acknowledge my wrongdoing, and know that things will never be the same as they were before--

...But at the same time. I want to continue being myself. I want to continue doing what I always have: uplifting people, with joy and positivity. To tell my stupid jokes they find funny, to show them the better parts of the world, to remind them how awesome and amazing they are. To compliment them, to see the best in them and encourage them to see the best in themselves. To be an active force for good in their lives, to always be there through good and bad, and just be that force for good.

And that gives me constant doubts on every action I take. I am very good at doing the good for those who I have in my life--but those who I have hurt? Everything I do, I am constantly analyzing and wondering how I'm messing up. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? I just don't know.

All I can really do is continue to do what I am. I don't want my wrongdoings to be what defines me. I don't want my mistakes to be who I am, what I am remembered by. I don't want my past regrets to continuously bring pain to others. I don't want the harm I've done to be what I am known by.

I want my life to be overwhelmingly defined by the good that I have done. I want my life to be filled with memories like that I have quite literally saved lives before. That's the character of me, the person who is kind and caring enough, who puts friends above all, who is a loving member of many communities I truly cherish. That should be my legacy.

Yet there is currently the stain on it which at times feels like it ruined everything. My actions have consequences. Most of those consequences are good, because most of the actions are good. But when the actions aren't good, the consequences aren't, either. And while I can very easily help other people fix their own lives...I don't know how to fix the damage I cause.

I do want to continue to spread my message of love though.

I have done wrong. I have messed up. My past actions, I regret. I caused great harm. I will be remorseful the rest of my life, carrying the burden of my sins with me forever. Yet, I want to atone, and I want to do better. I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I now condemn. I am always going to be who I am now.

I will always be there, for whoever needs me. I might not be able to do much, but I will do what little I can.

I know nobody really reads my blog posts, but were they to, I want them to always come away from their experience with a smile on their face, with my experiences having given them a more positive outlook on life, by letting them see my perspective and how it has helped them. I want to do that for all of you, no matter how little I know you.

I love everyone who has been in my life, and everyone who continues to be in my life. I will continue to build a better future for all, and to try and heal the present and future of all who cross my path with my positivity and joy. I am not perfect. I am human. I won't do as good as I want to, but I will still be doing the best I can.

And everyone deserves all that love and support. You deserve my love and support. You are wonderful, no matter your mistakes. You are better than you think you are. You are worthy of being loved, and are loved by more than you know. You make a difference in this world, and the difference you make is a good one. You touch more than you can ever realize, and those you reach are better because of your influence on them.

You may mess up, you won't do perfectly, but that's okay. You are all the more beautiful for your wonderful journey. I wish you nothing but the best and hope every day treats you well.

Love you, and hope you find the path you want to travel, and succeed on it. <3

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