Every day I wake up...

...And I wake up thinking, "what kind of pain/hurt will I be inflicting on others who I would love to still call friends today?"

The answer is often, 'quite a lot'.

Because I know only how to cause harm. All I know is how to make mistakes. All I know how to do is to damage friendships. All I know how to do is to burden them with pain and knowledge they should never have to ever experience, and it's not fair to them. I only ever damage things. I only ever harm, I only ever hurt.

And the greater their love for me, the greater their heartbreak when I harm them--even accidentally.

And all I can really do is say I'm sorry.

I'm so so sorry.

For everything.

For all the harm, for all the pain, for all of the negative emotions. Anger, fear, whatever I inspire. It's justified, it's warranted--but you should never ever have needed to feel it in the first place.

I am nothing but a fuckup. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve a second chance. I deserve only to be condemned for my crimes. 

My chosen family is who I most hurt of all. And there can be no greater crime.

Your pain is important. Your hurt is real and valid and true. You are all that matters. And I will always love you all.

I just know that, realistically speaking, I probably have lost those I care about most, forever.

Because they are valid in doing whatever to me, and that includes cutting me out of their lives forever.

I wish I could still bring them happiness and joy. Laughter and good vibes. I wish that more than anything. And I pray that every time I did so has not become warped or twisted in their mind. I hope all the stupid jokes I told have not been marred by being muttered by me, the one who now causes so much pain.

Yet I get no say.

Only those who I hurt have a say.

But for whatever my say does matter, above all else I can only say.

I said some very harmful/hurtful things.

I have done some very bad things I regret.

I was in the wrong.

I have changed.

But I know my actions carry consequences.

As regretful as I am, as remorseful as I am, I still caused pain and suffering,

And it hurt the ones I was closest to most of all.

​I'm so sorry.