Mobile blogs are garbo, but still are viable.
So let me use this one to comment on the last.
I am doing better today.
I promise.
I know, I know. I don’t deserve to be better. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve to have the luxury of selfishness.
But, yesterday, I was BAD bad.
Like, really bad bad.
Alarmingly bad bad.
My fiancé was very deeply concerned about me, bad.
That’s worse than even a pathetic failure of a human like me deserves.
So now, my better is being at the level of misery and regret warranted and justified by my past actions facing their natural consequences.
My fiancé can see a light in my eyes when I am happy and has been seeing it less and less; I don’t want to ever worry them again.
My fiancé can see the sadness in my eyes, and knows that I am going through something.
They can tell something is going wrong for me, but despite how I can’t hide it from them, I don’t want them to be dragged into what is ultimately my mess.
The same goes for all who have offered their help.
I don’t want them to be dragged into what I'd ultimately my fault. My shortcomings. My mistakes, catching up to me. My issues are mine, not anyone else's.
So, despite their concerns, I will have to handle this in whatever way I can myself.
Today has sucked for other reasons (car troubles), but it is manageable compared to yesterday.
Thank you all for everything, especially any concern. I love you all, and if you have any worry for me, it shows your love too. And I appreciate it.
I don’t think that I deserve to be loved.
But with people like you, maybe someday I will.
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