Today is the seven-month anniversary of me dating my fiance. And yet, today, I am opening up the day by writing what, if I actually cover everything, will be a really lengthy blog. But, it's a blog I've been wanting to write to air out some thoughts for the last three, four days or so.
The heart of the selfishness I want to cover is basically this.
I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want forgiveness for what I have done. I don't want people to forget my mistakes, either. Nor do I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if these things were possible, selfishly, I want something more, something far bigger than that, and perhaps more impossible, but that's why this is a selfish desire.
Who I am now is not defined by the mistakes I made in the past.
I want to be seen as I am now, not as who I was when I made the mistakes I did.
I want to be seen as good enough as I am, rather than seen as someone who has a lot to make up for.
As selfish as it is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to atone for my past mistakes. I want to be seen as doing the good I do, just because that's who I am, that's the natural thing to do. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my actions being penance. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my good deeds being making up for past misdeeds. As selfish as it is,
I want the good I do to be seen just as the good I do. Nothing more, nothing less.
I want to be seen as I am, not perceived through the filter of mistakes I've since learned from.
People change. People learn. And people are complex. Me moreso than most. And I'm sure I'll continue to make more mistakes--particularly since I only have my own feedback to tell if I am making a mistake. I have to keep guessing to try and avoid mistakes, and I probably guess wrong. But I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I made. It doesn't matter if those mistakes are ten years old, eight months old, or even last week. I am not who I was when I made those mistakes. I am better.
To be sure, if there's a continuous mistake I keep making over and over--and I bet there's plenty of those--yeah, I'm not going to be better than I was when making it, because I keep making it every day. But in that case, I need someone to point out the mistake I am continuously making, and once I can identify it as a mistake, I can immediately start working on bettering it until I am not making that mistake, or at least not making it as often.
I improve every day, and selfishly, I want this to be enough. I want to have my growth be acknowledged. I want that change to be recognized, as selfish as it may be to say, to insist upon.
Selfishly, I want people to not assume the worst of me. I want people to see the good I do, and to see it as good done without any bias, without any thoughts of how it must be a mask, it must be penance, it must be for an agenda, or whatever. I want people to see the good I do and see it as me having done good, not out of malice, not out of selfishness (ironic, given how selfish this is), but just because that's who I am, the good I do is my natural state.
Selfishly, I want people to not think I am selfish.
Selfishly, I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments, including the natural good I do just by existing in the places I do.
And there is a lot of good!
In the spaces I choose to inhabit, the natural inclination for the vast majority of people is positive perspective of me, and good vibes to be had. They enjoy hanging out with me. They like to be around me. They enjoy time spent together. I am naturally liked, even when I have thought I had no reason to be.
Without trying, without effort on my part, just by me being me, people in the spaces I frequent are overall very fond of me.
Negative outlooks of me are, by and large, a learned behavior. People got taught to have their positive views overridden by the negative ones. They got taught to drop their positive perspective. They got taught to have their good vibes killed. They got taught to think of me as bringing toxicity or whatever bad things they now think of me. They got taught to avoid me. They got taught to regret spending as much time around me as they did, they got taught to have their hopes crushed because a person encouraging said hopes was terrible in a way they were educated on. That hate (and it is selfish for me to call it hate) is something they were given, not something they found naturally on their own.
And it was nearly nonexistent before December 5th, 2023. And entirely nonexistent before August 2023. It's a learned behavior, learned from others, because the natural inclination, the natural instinct, is to vibe with me. People naturally vibe with me because it's natural for us to vibe together, to click together.
People's instincts about a person are normally correct, and their instincts about me overwhelmingly were positive. I formed years-long friendships with people who have very good instincts, who have a great intuition, who instantly connected with me. They intuitively felt the good from me and connected with the good in me. Even at a time when I myself thought myself to be not great, they saw the great in me without even trying, because that is who I am.
Overwhelmingly, people's instincts towards me are positive. They only see otherwise when taught it by another. And they have great resistance to the idea I am terrible, they have great resistance to negative thoughts about me, because their instincts were that I am a good person.
And selfishly, I want them to acknowledge this. As selfish as it is, I want it to be acknowledged that even years ago when I thought myself trash, others on a deep fundamental level recognized me as a beautiful soul before even I could.Â
So, selfishly, now that I am finally beginning to realize how beautiful my soul is, I want them to admit they saw it in me then, and that it's still there on some level now. That the good within me didn't disappear because of the bad within me, that the good within me isn't being corrupted by me finally being able to see it.
I want it to be okay for me to know that I am great.
I want it to be okay for me to be good, even when thinking I am good.
Selfishly, I want it to be alright that I am aware I am a good person who does good.
People saw the good on me on a deep fundamental instinctual level back in a time period where I thought I was a piece of trash. I want that to be them seeing the truth before I could, rather than them having been mistaken and me only now believing their mistaken impression.
As selfish as it is, I want my good qualities to be acknowledged, and seen as what they are:
Good qualities from a good person whose natural goodness is a gift she offers freely to the world, perhaps too freely.
Selfishly, I want it to be okay for me to say this and for others to know it is true:
I am quite the catch.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. I would do literally anything for any who I call a friend, and I call most people friend so there is almost anything I will do for them. I have limits in what I can do, but I will go to those limits and help them in any way I can.
I am ridiculously enthusiastic. I see the achievements of others, and they fill me with joy, I am passionate in expressing my great love for what they have done.
I am passionate. I am good at inspiring others.
I am invested in those I spend time around. I learn their names, their pronouns, their approximate age, their birthday, their approximate location, what they are learning, what they are passionate about, who they are friends with, their relationships, how their family life is, life events, etc. I remember stuff about them. I know what they are most nerdy about, I know what they are dreaming to do, I see their talents and skills and remember what they are.
I remember a lot about my friends, despite me having literally hundreds of them. I often doubt my capacity to remember so much about so many people, but time and time again I prove that I remember more than people expected me to. I remember things they often forgot they ever told me.
I am good at making people laugh. My opinion of my jokes has always been low, since I'm naturally inclined to describe them as "stupid jokes", but I've been realizing I need to redefine my perspective and call them silly jokes because those who receive them don't think they're stupid. My fiance fell in love with me because of these ""stupid"" jokes, so clearly there is some merit behind my silliness.
I am good at entertaining others. I give them something which makes their day better.
I am good at engaging people. People who otherwise wouldn't have been active, see me talking to them, see me engaging them, see me giving them talking material, and they get into it with me, in a way which draws them in and makes it so they are more inclined to hang around. I draw people in and get them invested.
I am good at providing support. I often doubt my ability to give meaningful advice, yet to those who have received my advice, it has made a world of difference and done them a world of good. They got told exactly what they needed to hear, in order to gain the strength to go on and do things they otherwise wouldn't have done.
I am there for people who need me. I'm not often called upon, but whenever someone reaches out to me, I am there, and I know when I need to be the one reaching out to them. I will drop everything to attend to a friend's needs.
I give great love and support.
I cheer on the accomplishments of others. I am ridiculously proud of them and encourage them to keep going, they just did something they should be proud of and their amazing accomplishment is something to be seen as the wondrous thing it is.
I celebrate all of the good in life. I will be there for others to celebrate their good, and I will be there to help them see the good in a situation where they otherwise wouldn't be able to.
I help get through the bad periods in life. All of the bad people deal with, I help them deal with, cope with, move on from, live through, get through, and see the brighter side of, to see through the dark times and to shine that brilliant light.
I am a Breeacon of joy and positivity.
I have so many lived experiences, I can weigh in on nearly any experience, but I also have a fairly good sense of when it's unwanted, and can stay back and just give that love.
I have an amazing capacity for love.
I have nothing but love to give to the world.
I see the beauty in so many who otherwise wouldn't see it.
I see so much good in so many things.
I see the world for the beautiful, wonderful place it is, and all the beautiful amazing people within, who I love to uplift.
I love everyone so much. And while I am human, while I am limited in my capacity to provide love to a finite amount, and as a consequence some receive more love than others, that does not diminish that I have the love for all, I just have the limitation of not being able to express it to everyone to the capacity they so truly deserve from me.
​I stretch those capacities to the limits, finding ways to love those who I by all rights shouldn't have the time/energy to love, and yet I pull it off at least adequately.
​Every day, I have people who appreciate my humor. Often numbering in the dozens, if not hundreds. People find me funny. Selfishly, I want that to be acknowledged.
Every day, people thank me for the support I give them. Often numbering in the dozens. People appreciate me. People think I make their lives be better. Selfishly, I want that to be seen and accepted as true.
Every day, I have people who thank me for weighing in with my advice, my perspective, my support. An average of three to twelve people per day go through a trying experience, see my input, and come out of that feeling better, feeling more direction, feeling like they have more positive outlooks on their future than what they had before.
Every day, the love I give others makes a difference in their life.
I am a healer.
Time and time again, I have been told I heal people.
I get better and better with time at healing others.
The more experiences I go through, the more I help others, the better I get at helping others.
Selfishly, I want that to be seen as true, and known as a quality I should be known for.
I do have to give the obvious caveat. I suck at healing those who I have hurt, and the number of people I have hurt is plenty. A lot of the people who I hurt got badly hurt, in part because of how much I helped them before, in part because I was a healer for them. Having their positive outlook on me shattered hurt deeply and made bad wounds which only got worse by every time I botched the healing process.
But selfishly, I want my growth in recognizing these limitations recognized.
Selfishly, I want the betterment of my approach to be recognized--that I am working on it, that I am improving, that I am working to be better at not making things worse.
In a very direct, very blunt, very thorough reading I got done, I got the clearest possible reading that was as unambiguous as it could be in telling me what to do:
I need to come from a place of love, not from a place of trying to fix things.
I have not mastered this skill. The best I can really think of is to focus on listening to them. To go, basically, "okay. <3", where I listen and show I am listening. Where I am not saying too much, where I am not trying to fix things, but where I show I am listening, that I have learned, and I am here to hear them. I shouldn't explain unless explicitly asked to give my perspective, and I shouldn't say nothing at all. In the past I made the mistake of not conveying that I am hearing them, and in the past I made the mistake of trying to fix things by explaining to them. I need to do neither, and convey just that I am listening, I am absorbing, I am there, I am taking it all in.
And I know. That's probably not the best way to "come from a place of love". It is still a skill I am learning. I know I need to come from a place of love and a lot of my focus has been on getting better and better at coming from that place of love.
Selfishly, I want people to acknowledge I have made that growth, I am putting in that effort, I have gotten better and better at empathizing, I am better at seeing the perspective of others, I am validating them, I am acknowledging them, I am respecting them, and I am working on helping the healing process.
Selfishly, I want to be seen as having made a great deal of growth in being a healer and healing even those that I have hurt.
I am listening.
I am giving love.
I hear them.
I have nothing but love for them. And selfishly, I want them to see that, too. That I do have that overwhelming love for them. Perhaps too much, and that's fair. It's fair if my love is too much, if it's overwhelming. I learned that lesson years ago actually, and since then have tapered off on being smothering with love, to a level far more appropriate. Selfishly, I want them to see that I love them, in a pure way, that I give to them freely as much as their boundaries allow me to.
And, selfishly, I want it to be acknowledged I do respect those boundaries, to the best of my knowledge, to the best of my ability. I clearly have crossed some, no matter how accidentally, no matter how unintentionally, but I corrected the behavior, I learned from it, and got better and better at following it.
Selfishly, I want that I have grown and am still be growing to be seen and acknowledged.
​It's also very hard for me to write this blog, even labeling it as selfish, because of my natural fears and inclinations.
I am terrified that the good I have done will be destroyed by acknowledging it is good I have done.
I am always worried that by admitting I have done good, the good I have done will be corrupted, tainted by a "clearly, I did this for an ulterior motive", that by having seen it as good it will stop having been good.
Selfishly, I want to take that risk.
It's very hard for me to say all these good things about myself.
I always worry about being a braggart.
I am terrified I will cave to narcissistic behavior from having acknowledged all these positives.
I am always worried about somehow deluding myself into somehow thinking I am better than I actually am.
After all, how could I be good when I know all the harm I've caused and am here, just writing about all of these alleged positivities? How can I talk myself into thinking I do good despite knowing all the harm I cause? It's difficult to put this out, because it always feels like I am making it all up, that I am twisting reality and ignoring things how they are.
...And yet...
...the true twist of reality is that mindset.
Every reading I have gotten has told me the exact same thing.
​Every time, I keep being told, I need to do self-love.
Every reading, I am getting told to acknowledge I have a lot of good traits.
Every time, I am being told not to bad-mouth myself.
Every reading, I am being told to reframe things and see the good in me.
Every time, I am told, I need to acknowledge, I am good, I deserve good, and that I do good.
I keep being told over and over again, to be proud. Be proud of myself, be proud of what I have done, be proud of what I do.
That I have skills, I have talents, I have merits, things that I am good at doing without even realizing I am doing it and doing it well.
Every time, I get a reading telling me to hold my head high, and accept my accomplishments.
To accept all the good, and how much I have grown. I have grown so much. I am doing great.
I get told to keep going with what I am doing, to keep growing as I have been.
I struggle to accept these things, because my anxieties and my imposter syndrome keep telling me I am delusional to think I am great, that I am living a life worth living.
I focus on the negatives, I focus on the bad, I focus on the flaws, on everything which has gone wrong, on all the pain, and I see it, amplify it, and make it worse, because that's all I can see in myself, I see myself as the darkness I fear within me. My depression makes me see all of the bad and think maybe those who see me negatively are in the right and that the world would be better without me.
...And yet...the true delusion is those anxieties.
My imposter syndrome clouds my ability to see what I should be acknowledging.
So as selfish as it is...please. Let me acknowledge it.
I am growing.
I am learning.
I impart my wisdom onto others.
I have grown from being nothing but a student, into the role where I am equal parts both.
Or even to the point where I am more teacher than student.
People come to me seeking advice on plurality, despite my mental perception of me not being an expert.
People come to me about LGBTQIA+ matters, despite my mental perception of having much to learn.
People come to me to help overcome loss, to overcome grief, to overcome negativity, despite my hurdles with overcoming them.
I am seen as a leader, as an important member of the community, as a teacher, as a healer, who can help them.
​So let me be selfish, by embracing that I am those roles, and that my life is a beautiful one with much to offer.