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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

I'm not quite sure what to write rn.

I have a lot of thoughts I want to write about, but when it comes time to write them, I don't really know what to write. I have half-written affirmations, self-love preaching, but don't have the spoons rn to compile them into something coherent and useful.

There's a big blog I want to make later in the month, but until then, I kinda feel like I should go into life but also my philosophy a bit and the love within.

I do occasionally slip to my shadow self and feel my shadow self's negative emotions/feelings, but I know those shadow self negativities are driven by a deep pain, a deep hurt I felt. I got very very badly heartbroken, and the pain came from both blaming myself and hating myself whenever I wouldn't blame myself especially if I directed that blame elsewhere.

There's the occasional temptation to blame others, to wish ill on others, but I know it comes from a shadow self that is lashing out from a place of pain and being hurt--and by recognizing this, the feelings very quickly pass, and I remember all that pain was born from a deeper love. The love that I feel is stronger than the negative intrusive thoughts, is stronger than the impulsive thoughts that pass the moment I let them go.

All I have to offer the world is love.

The love I have for all may seem impossible to accept is real. And to be sure, I've made mistakes in expressing it. I didn't have love for all eight months ago, back in July and August. It took a breakthrough in empathy from realizing a truth and what that truth meant for the motivations of someone else and me seeing their perspective to awaken me to that love, and once I did, I came to a place of greater understanding.

Greater, but not perfect. I certainly try my best, but I continue to make small mistakes. It took until recently to realize that I shouldn't try to fix things, that while my love meant I wanted to, that trying to fix things wouldn't help the people I love, not like that. Love is important to give, but some problems aren't mine to fix. To be sure there's some I can help with, but the problems I tried constantly to fix for months weren't mine to fix.

I have given up on hatred, and for the second time in my life, am working on removing it even towards myself. Any negative emotions I would be tempted to direct towards others, I stop, hold, breathe, and redirect. I remember the love, I wish them the best, I respect them, I accept all of the things that have happened including their path, I accept both that I am not bad but that I am not in their life, so I don't get to dictate anything.

I'm probably badly explaining this. But basically, I know not everyone wants my love to be expressed to them. I have the love for them, and it will never go away, but I can accept they won't want it from me while still being able to not wish ill of them. I can wish them well, or at least not wish ill on them.

I can forgive myself, I can love myself, I can love others, and I can help the world.

I have no ill will to give anyone. Within the accepted boundaries, I have only well-wishes and love to give to everyone. I know there's only so much I can give. I have limits. I have too little time in the day and too little energy. So there will always be an inability to help literally everyone. I'm still going to help as many as I can.

I'm going to take that action though. I am going to help others while also helping myself. I'm going to stream. I'm going to write. I'm going to succeed. I'm manifesting my goals, and I am not going to cave in or give up.

I have to share my love with the world, and it's beautiful. I know it's not going to go perfectly. I know I still have room to grow. I know I've done imperfectly, and will continue to make mistakes. But, I am going to do my best, as I have been. And my best now is better than my best eight months ago. And my best in the future is going to be even better.

I am always pursuing the path of fewest regrets, the path where I am most happy with my decisions, where I can be okay with it even when I mess up. I am pursuing the path where I don't hold onto arbitrary morals or rules. Rules and morals are good to have...but none of them are so perfect as to work for literally 100% of all situations. There are always exceptions, and when holding onto those rules causes harm...let go of the strictness and follow the heart.

I am listening to my heart over my head. My brain lies to my, my instincts are good. Logic can lead me astray, but listening to my instincts usually tells the truth. I am embracing the love I have for all, and embracing I am good at helping people, and embracing I am funny, and embracing I bring joy and positivity, and embracing that I am in my element.

I know my life isn't balanced, but I'm getting it closer to. I'm streaming more, I'm writing more. I'm embracing that 2024 is my year, is the year of those I love, is the year of healing. I am embracing the love, and going forward with the energy of a healer, who heals, who brings peace, who brings goodness to those I can have the energy to help.

And I do it not by trying to fix things. I do it by being there for them, and giving what I can give, to those who choose to have me there.

I'm rambling, and I lost what I was going for. But basically, I know most people are good. Not perfect, all humans are flawed. But those flaws don't mean they cannot be lived. They deserve to live life and as long as they are working on improving themselves and regret their past mistakes, then I will willingly embrace them and call them friend, because they are good even if they don't think they are.

I want to follow my heart, and help others to.

It's a lot of work, and I won't be able to do it all, but I'll do my best and do as much as I can. <3

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