A maybe less secret blog

Well, if I can find the time tomorrow to start publishing these blogs, at least.

I more or less got told, "think positively, to manifest positivity". That the main wall to my goals, is myself.

And, well.

My goal is more or less, atonement for my sins.

It’s to spread joy.

It’s to promote healthy healing.

It’s to bring love, happiness, and laughter to all, especially those in need, especially those who I have damaged myself.

All I want is to do good for everyone.

Now, I don’t know how to do that.

It’s especially hard because I don’t feel like I am worthy to see myself in a non-negative way. I feel like forgiving myself would be disrespectful to them. The ones I hurt were hurt by my actions.

I can only be forgiven by them--never myself. I can want forgiveness, but I can't see myself as worthy of it, after causing that level of pain.

I have wronged them, so it feels like me being okay with myself is just fully embracing a level of denial and delusion towards how bad I was and how painful I was.

Yet, I am being told I need to. 

I somehow need to forgive myself, to better manifest my goals of healing others. That feels backwards and contradictory to me.

And even if it's right and I somehow do that...how do I manage to actually accomplish my goals?

A lot of it feels out of my hands.

I've had a desire to explain what happened in a neutral objective way, but I can't put it on my blog. Wrongly insinuating things on here is part of why people are hurting in the first place. This is a far more intimate issue.

I can’t talk to people unless they let me, though, and even if they are open to hearing me out, I don’t know how to explain things in a way which helps reduce the pain.

I was in the wrong and caused great harm, but I don’t know how to reverse the harm into healing.

I know, I know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry for the mixed, confusing message from here.

I guess, basically. I know I can, somehow, heal the wounds I created. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to forgive myself when I badly wronged people, but I also want to help people and the negativity is interfering with my ability to.

So, like. I don’t have a direction.

I'm hoping to get better tho.