Not what I originally was to write, but...

...on the actual day, today, what I was originally going to was Not The Vibe.

All of today, I was reflecting, and for the last few days I've been considering if I actually should do the blog that I was going to, and ultimately, I felt no matter how bad or good the blog I was going for was, ultimately it just wasn't the vibe.

​I kinda also forget what I was gonna replace it with, which sucks, because I was gonna write about something amazingly good. Something very positive. Something very good. If I could remember what I was thinking of blogging about twelve hours today, today would have a spectacular blog. But whatever good vibes I had in mind, I've unfortunately forgotten them.

But while I may have forgotten what I was gonna write that was good vibes today, that I don't want the bad vibes from my original planned blog remains. My plan was a long blog about all of the bad to have come from one innocent event which began today last year, on March 21st 2023. A long list of all the pain and grief and tragedy to come from something so innocent in intention that went horribly horribly wrong and has lifelong consequences. And then I would go into the silver linings, how some good came which never would have otherwise.

...but, for whatever reason, that failed my vibe check.

I still want to briefly mention what happened one year ago. It's been littered throughout my blog posts ever since I resumed blogging in December 2023 and had some hints in post-July-23rd July + August + September, but I've not talked about it in full. Today I was kinda sorta intending to; it doesn't pass the vibe check for a blog today, despite today being the one-year anniversary of the beginning of the event.

Basically, last year in February, I was invited to a friend's server, of about a dozen members. We were almost entirely all prominent major names in one streamer's community. The server owner, Two VIPs, a mod, and other instantly recognizable names. The artist for this friend server, one of said VIPs, had a rant about something in said streamer's community, and the server owner created a temporary discord subthread for the venting, which didn't stay temporary. That rant happened on March 21st, 2023, exactly one year ago (well, 21st or 23rd, I have the date saved but don't have which of them 100%, pretty sure it was the 21st tho), and set into motion a disastrous chain of events that would cause lifelong damage to far more than the nine or so involved. 

I was going to talk in great length about all of the bad which happened, how it came to be, and all of that, laying out how good intentions from good people (not a single one among us being bad) led to a bad outcome with repercussions still playing out to this day--mostly bad, but ending on the few silver linings, bittersweet as they may be.

Since it failed my vibe check, this will be the extent of my mentioning it. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, and to any it would do good to explain it to I absolutely will, but by and large, my vibes shouldn't be focused on the past. My vibes should be focused on the present, and the future.

So instead, let me say what I'm actually going to be talking about, for the rest of the blog post.

​I want to talk about what I have gained and what I have learned. It may have spawned from tragedy, it may have spawned from bad, but how I got it in the past doesn't matter. That I have it, does, and how I intend to use it, that's what's important. That's the vibe. I can't change the past, so dwelling on it does nobody any good. What I can do is change the future by my actions in the present, and that's what I'm thinking of doing now.

I'm going to go forward with my plan to make shortform content, namely videos. I'm going to be regularly uploading them, potentially daily (although that will require recording at least 4 per day I record them on), with me recording them on my main two nonstream days, Tuesday and Thursday (ideally, quickly, as to not interfere with any streams from my fiance).

I want to make at least six per week, ideally 8 - 12.

I want these videos to mostly be about the things I have learned, life lessons, and to share my outlook and words of affirmation.

I wrote my intention this year to be a Breeacon of joy and positivity. I wrote my intention to spread the good vibes to all. And I want to make good on that promise, in a big way.

I have already been succeeding in those goals, in the spaces I live in. I affirm others. I see their beauty. I see how amazing they are. I look at their talents, their passions, their interests, their hobbies, their pastimes, with glee and awe. I congratulate them, I tell them they are awesome, I see just how wonderful they are. I give them as much validation as I can, although they will always deserve more than I as just one individual ever could.

I provide daily or near-daily affirmations. I speak from the soul, providing positivity coming from my heart. I share my love of them, and give them words to help get them through the day. I help them, even if just a little, by giving them boosts, extra strength that helps them get through trying times.

I provide my perspective. I teach them my lessons. I have been on all four sides of most issues. I've been the one who has wronged people. I have been the person who thought others had wronged me. I've been on the outside watching someone who has been wronged. I've been on the outside watching someone suffer the pain of knowing they have wronged others.

I used to be nothing but a student in most areas of life. Learning.

But now I am both a teacher and a healer.

So I am going to make videos where I focus on those two things.

I want to spread my messages on a grander scale.

I can't guarantee this will happen. I have to be careful not to take on too much. And the people in my life take priority over spreading my message to people who aren't in my life. I don't want to neglect existing friends in favor of potentially helping someone in the future that I currently don't know.

So I have to make sure this is only being done in the small windows of time where I have nothing I otherwise would be missing out on. Which is why it may not manifest as what I am hoping it to. I want to try though, ideally in sub-60-second messages. Loosely, what I want to do is modeled more after the more positive side of places like Instagram and tiktok, the likes of Quincy's Tavern, Hank Green and the vlog brothers, the positive messages of some content creators, but to be the genuine words from my experiences.

​I know I won't do it perfectly. I know I may give some lessons wrong, with my lack of knowledge causing me to accidentally spread imperfect information. I'll need to find a way to be clear about that being possible. A disclaimer of some kind of, "I am still learning, and the information I give may be flawed. Please continue pursuing learning on your own", or something of the likes. But I want to do it.

Videos on plurality.

Videos on witchy stuff.

Videos on LGBTQIA+ stuff.

Videos telling silly jokes.

Videos where I give affirmations.

All based on what I have learned, and my experiences, and my outlook.

​I want to share my view on the world with others, in a way where they can see it, and bring into their own life whatever they see as worth bringing in from mine. They don't need to take everything of mine as gospel--as long as a single thing I have said resonates and helps them on their journey, then what I did was worth doing. So I want to do it.

​There is a lot of good in this world. And I have a lot of good in this world. I have two amazing friends who are pursuing each other, seeing them flirt is really really cute and fills me and my fiance with giddy because we see a lot of our own journey in them. They are the second and third most important people in my life right now (I don't think I blogged about my revelation that these two friends are the second and third most important people in my life, but they are; we hang out every week, watch things together, trade jokes and comments, support each other, and I want them around more than anyone else bar my fiance), and they are amazingly cute and give me much joy and happiness to watch their love.

​I have many other close friends, too. 2024 is truly our year. They are all crushing it at life. They are growing, and sharing their growth. I enjoy watching their journey and celebrating them. I laugh at their humor, I vibe with their presence, I love their lives, and I am thoroughly fulfilled in life by just being surrounded by those I love and who love me back.

I uplift others, and they in turn give me the strength to keep going by sharing all the good in their lives. I support them in their low times. I give all of my love to all of them, and I see just how beautiful and amazing and incredible they all are.

There are those who don't want me to do that for them anymore. And as saddening as it is for me, as much as I would love to celebrate their achievements, as much as I would love to support them through their harder times, as much as I want to give them that joy and positivity, I have to respect that they don't want it from me. I can silently wish them well on their journey, send positive thoughts and prayers their way, put the energy into the world where I wish they succeed and find/hold onto happiness and good vibes, where I love them from afar, but because I still love them and always will, their wishes are all that matter. Their desires, their drives, their lives, their perspectives, their feelings, are valid and matter, and they wish for me to be uninvolved in their process.

I will respect the conditions I am given, but I will never impose conditions of my own. That I can promise. I am still learning how to approach from a place of love, not a place of trying to fix things. But I can promise to not let my shadow take control. I can promise to recognize the source of my pain and negativity. I promise to wish them well regardless of whether I am involved or not. My presence isn't needed, isn't required, for them to find success, and I should be all the more proud of them for succeeding without me. I can promise to have that mindset, to have their good be enough without anything from me, and to treat any presence of mine which they choose to let me have as the gift and blessing it is, from them to me, with me being the one who receives more from it.

I know I have received so many readings telling me that I am on the right path. I am headed in the right direction. I need to keep doing what I am doing. So I can keep doing that. I can keep learning. I can keep improving. I can keep creating. I can keep streaming. I can keep making the lives of everyone who chooses to let me be a part of their life, all the better for it. I see them for the beautiful souls they are.

I see the good in all these lovely people. I see all of the positives in these people. I love them all, I love all the good things from them. Their lovely personalities, their life experiences, their outlooks, their endeavors, their passions, their jokes, their supportiveness, their chattiness, their aesthetic, everything. People are beautiful. They are wonderful. They have such storied lives, and I am so privileged to be a part of all the lives I have been.

I remember so much about them all and I would never trade it for anything.

I want people to know there is more good in this world than bad. I want people to see the good in themselves, the same way they do to others. I want people to see their merits, and be encouraged to pursue their passions, to fulfill their dreams. I love hearing about what they want to do and I want to help them do it. I want to be that friend who is always supportive and loving, while also spreading that to the whole world, beyond just my friends.

A lot of people could use little affirmations. And a lot of people could use someone to help give them knowledge they otherwise wouldn't have had. And a lot of people need some daily laughs. So I should continue to give these things to others. My friends as my first priority, but to the world as I can.

I have a lot of love to give.

I have a lot of hope to spread.

This is a year of healing and recovery and growth and becoming who we were meant to be.

It's about time I got started.