Nevermind, I do have thoughts.

It'd probably have been better if I hadn't, considering the nature of the thoughts.

I just feel so pathetic.

I have only one reason to keep living. I used to have more--but the very people who gave those extra reasons, I badly hurt on this very blog. So I've lost those reasons for living. I gained one in the form of my partner. But the loss I feel is just so overwhelming, and made all the worse by knowing it is entirely my fault, nobody else's.

I felt a bit better earlier today. I got the okay to write a message--and when I wrote it out in my notes, it was good. I felt good. I didn't send it to the person who okayed it, but it felt good to write it out. I didn't do a full explanation of the timeline of 2023, but I did cover the most important events, giving some background information I previously was holding back on.

And then I chickened out and sent less than half of it. I didn't explain things at all, and even my point, I didn't convey. I don't want my friends, my chosen family, to have soured feelings, pain, hurt, because of me. But they do. I couldn't explain anything. I just was saying stuff which probably just made it worse.

I'm so pathetic.

And worthless.

And I do no good.

I want to, so badly.

So, so badly, I want to help.

But I don't. I just make things worse. And worse. And worse.

And not gonna lie--even my fiance is barely keeping me afloat. They are the reason I am still going, and even they are barely saving me.

The pain, the depression, the regret, the sense of loss, the being lost, the remorse...I'm just a screwup.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so so sorry.

To everyone.

You deserve better than me.

I deserve to be punished, but you don't deserve to carry any pain, sorrow, lament, bad feelings, hurt, from my past mistakes.

I am a failure. I am nothing but a terrible human who causes pain and suffering everywhere I go. My intentions don't matter. Desire to do good doesn't matter. What does is that harm.

I have so much love for you all.

I'm so sorry that love can't amount to anything good.

I know I am bad. Nobody is to blame but me tho.