Namely, it's the decision to move on rather than to go public with the events of last year and the followthrough into this year.
And basically...it boils down to the illusion of choice.
There's only a few possible outcomes, and most of them lead to the same basic things. To run through the possibilities;
Possibility One: We go public about what happened. Nobody believes us. And down the line, nothing comes to light. Nobody comes forward. The people we believe are problematic are never shown as such. I don't believe this would actually happen.
After all, I've been believed by everyone who has actually asked me for my perspective. If I went public, there's a good chance most people would. I've got a long history displaying my true character, as well as a fairly decent amount of evidence, not to mention, numerous people who can collaborate my perspective. That, aside from the fact that every time I asked about going public in tarot readers, I got told I would be supported and good things would come from it. So this possibility is rather unlikely.
But if it were to happen...if nobody believed us...and nobody ever does...then why bother? It wouldn't do any good.
kels and I want to focus on healing, on moving on, on building our lives together. We want peace and prosperity. To live happily, to live content, and to just move on. Going public is dwelling in the past, and in this possibility, it wouldn't do any good.
Possibility Two: We go public about what happened. Initially, nobody believes us. However, down the line, things come to light. The problematic behavior we knew about in 2023 is later revealed at a later time. In this case, the information revealed down the line has no relation to us bringing our information forward. So for all intents and purposes...our information adds nothing. People wouldn't have believed us. People believe the later information coming forward, but the later information comes forward completely on its own, completely separately from us.
In this case...it's identical to the first. We don't matter. We add nothing. Coming forward does nothing. We go through all of the same hassle as the first and in the end the results are nearly identical. Nothing we did contributes to the individuals being exposed, because nobody believed us.
And as above, that's just...not worth it. My wife-to-be and I both want to focus on healing. To move on. To rebuild our lives together. We want to get married next year, on October 31st 2025. We want to have a house. We are talking about potentially raising children. We want to focus on gaining the stability and security of having enough of an income to not just survive but also live. And that is best accomplished...by...not wasting the time on going public. After all, it does no good. The people coming forward still come forward regardless of our involvement, and get believed, regardless of what we do. That means we don't need to contribute, and we can instead focus on that.
Possibility Three: We don't go public about what happens. Nobody comes forward ever, and nobody would have even if they saw us. In this case, it's identical to possibility one. There's nobody to come forward and be believed, and they wouldn't come forward even if we had. We just don't come forward in this case. It's identical to possibility one in basically every way, except we never bother to come out with the info. So like...it's the same, just with less hassle.
Possibility Four: We don't go public about what happens. And later down the line, someone else does. The problematic people are exposed as problematic. It's essentially identical to possibility two, just without the extra hassle. We didn't need to come forward, so us having done so would be a waste of time, essentially. The only difference between this and possibility five is the timing the problematic people are exposed. Here, it just happens later.
I actually believe this is exactly what will happen. I believe the problematic people will be exposed as problematic without us needing to be involved. And the reason why is because we're in the grand scheme of things? Not important. We don't matter. We don't matter for exposing problematic people as being problematic. Their problematic nature will be shown by others. While any single individual might be unimportant, collectively as a whole it will be shown. Basically, kels and I aren't important for exposing the problematic people. If everyone believed they weren't important, then the problematic nature of them never comes forward...but in this possibility...that doesn't happen, someone comes forward eventually, and the truth gets exposed and then story after story comes forward exposing the lies and misinformation which had been believed en masse by the streaming community as a whole.
We aren't going to be the only victims. There will be more. And they will eventually share why they are victims. And when they do, that will make everyone question everything.
Possibility Five: We go public about what happened. And we are believed. There's actually a really good chance this is what happens, but in many ways it's identical to possibility two. Anything WE can do to expose the problematic people, other victims/associates can do down the line, too. We'd just be accomplishing it sooner. It's effectively identical to possibility two, except instead of someone else being the ones to expose it, it happens to be us.
If we were to go public, this is what I believe would happen. I believe we'd be believed. We have good evidence to back it, we have the character to back it, we have witnesses who would back us, and our perspective, our stories, would inspire others to come forward with theirs. Ours would be the first of many, and eventually, the nature of how the harassment campaign against us began would be fully exposed. We would get great support, we would have done great good, by being the ones to expose the problematic people by having the bravery to come forward.
...Which...is fine and all, but...while I believe this is what would happen if we did come forward...it's essentially identical to possibility four. The only difference is us spending time and effort in the past, effort/time that aren't us moving on and rebuilding our lives. And...while that would certainly be noble...it's a level of sacrifice I don't feel like making. Trying to do the right thing, trying to do the greatest good, is how this whole mess started back in 2023. We thought we were doing the right thing back then, and the result of it was kels almost killing themself (twice), both of us losing almost everything we ever cared for, and continuous harassment from the resulting campaign of misinformation demonizing us both. It caused me to gaslight myself badly into genuinely believing all of the horrible things about myself I always thought (depression + anxiety-fueled self-loathing), and to think everything we did was wrong.
Coming forward would be a lot of time, effort, and hassle. People would believe us here, but there'd be all of the stress and anxiety of them potentially not. We'd face retaliation. Our friends would, too. Maybe even our family. We would be scrutinized and even further villainized, because the problematic people and all people acting on their world-view would try to expose us as liars and monsters, and we would face all of that hatred just for the crime of sharing what we went through. And...while I have faith that we would be shown right, while I have faith people would ultimately side with us, while I believe people would believe us ultimately...in the interim, it would be Hell, and make rebuilding our lives nearly impossible.
I...don't think we can do that. I wanted to, for a time, because of doing the right thing, and believing coming forward could genuinely prevent potential future victims from ever being victimized. Our silence has the potential consequence of people down the line being hurt who wouldn't have been hurt if we came forward sooner, and that weighed heavily on me, because I wanted to help them by stopping the problematic people from having the trust, access, and influence to further victimize people. Particularly a friend or two, who are at extra high risk of becoming victims down the line.
I wanted to protect them, and a part of me still does...but at the same time...I don't think I have the strength to do this. And even if I personally did...kels does not. Kels cannot handle it. They've made that clear. They cannot handle anything more than what they have already gone through. So for them even if nobody else...I cannot do this. It would be hell for me, it would be hell for them, and while the results may EVENTUALLY be worth it...the interim period never would be.
So...there's only one real possibility which would warrant coming forward.
Possibility Six: We come forward, and aren't initially believed...but down the line, someone else who wouldn't have come forward without us, ends up having the courage to share their experiences. The problematic people get exposed because someone broke the silence, and it was only possible because of us inspiring the real dealbreakers. Our experience wouldn't be believable or notable or big enough to make an impact, but we would inspire the actual smoking gun whistleblower with our experiences, and they come forward directly because they know they are not alone and can count on us.
Which is in many ways just a variant on possibility five, just with a timing difference behind when and how the problematic people end up exposed as such.
As far as I'm concerned...all the possibilities, and their variants (you could argue there's also a seventh possibility where we come forward, aren't believed, and the disbelief of us prevents people from coming forward who would have come forward and been believed had we not been disbelieved when we came forward, for instance, but I lump that in with the others), all are an illusion of choice.
They all lead to essentially the same destinations.
Kels and I are left needing to heal no matter what.
Kels and I need to move on no matter what.
Kels and I need to rebuild our lives regardless.
Kels and I need to focus on securing our future rather than dwelling on the past no matter what.
The only real variable--which is entirely out of our control--is whether we are believed, or whether we aren't. Whether the problematic people are exposed, or if they aren't.
And that is something we have no control over whatsoever, because we can only control our own actions--not those of others. We can only hold our own perspectives and beliefs, not shape those of others. Thus? Illusion of choice. There's six or so possibilities listed, but when it boils down to it, there's only two for kels and I, and they both lead to much the same place.
We come forward, then try to rebuild after.
Or we focus on healing and rebuilding now, and trust in the universe.
Those are the only options, and they both lead to the same place...just at a different pace. So even this singular choice, isn't actually a choice. It's still an illusion. ALL roads lead to the same place eventually, no matter WHICH path we travel.
We always need to start a life together.
We always need to heal.
We always need to pursue our future rather than living in the past.
The how differs between the possibilities. The need remains regardless.
And that illusion of choice is a huge factor in why we're not coming forward, and not likely to at any point honestly.
With the stresses of life, with how on the edge we are living...we don't have the time/energy to come forward. Instead, we are focused on just surviving and trying to turn surviving into living. We want to pursue our happiness NOW, and to secure our life NOW, so do the work for that in the present, not in the future. As we are able to, as we have the energy to.
And that means we cannot afford to look to the past. No matter how noble it may be, our life circumstances just...don't allow it to be something we can really handle. COULD we do it? Well the reading I got says we'd be protected and we'd be supported...but that path would be much, much harder to travel. So as selfish as it may be...we are taking the easier path. The path of not coming forward. It's easier, but easier is all we have the energy, time, and finances for. We don't have the luxury of trying to do the most right thing. We only have the ability to handle doing a right thing.
I might be a bit rambling, and that concept may be a bit hard to vocalize. But to put it as best I can...often, there's no singular "right" thing to do. There's not a binary right/wrong choice to make, where there's one correct and one wrong decision to be made. Most of the time, things do not work that way.
Instead, there's more a level of...optimal paths, as it were. Many paths diverge, but then merge down the line again. "All roads lead to Rome", as it were. All roads in time lead to the same place, it's just some are better than others. None of them are right, none of them are wrong, but rather...it's more a case of some being more right for some people and some being more wrong for some people.
When it comes to doing the right thing, it's similarly so. There's the thing that is most right for the collective of humanity. There's the thing that is most right for the individual in the present. There's the thing that is most right for the individual down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a family in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a family down the line. There's the thing that is most right for a community in the present. There's the thing that is most right for a community down the line.
All of those are equally entitled to the title of "the right thing" to do. They're right in different ways, despite largely being mutually exclusive with each other to some extent. There's something of a spectrum. A balance. To live your life at one extreme leaves you not living it at all in the other, but if you live more in the middle you are not living your life to the furthest it possibly could be in at least one area. I hope that makes sense.
And that's what I mean. The right thing to do is mostly a question of "what is right for YOU to do, in the moment?", and to that...the answer is often very fluid and situational. I never know for sure if what I am doing is the most right thing for me to do in the moment, but I try my best to listen to my instincts and pursue it to the fullest.
And if you're wondering how we know what's right to do in the moment...well it's largely following instinct, but it's also considering what is most important to you. What do you value most? What do you most want? What is your goal, what is your objective, with all the options laid out in the given moment? What are you hoping to accomplish? What are you hoping to achieve? Both in the now, and in the future? What is what you most treasure? What is what you least desire? Where do you fall on the spectrum of individual versus group, of self-enrichment and community-enrichment, of self-needs versus humanity needs, of needs versus wants, of the present versus the future, and so on and so forth.
What, who, do you value most? And from all of that...feel out what actions seem like they will get you to the best balance of where you want to have gone, essentially. Nobody gets to do everything they ever want to have done. Actions, and inactions, both carry consequences both good and bad to them. So you have to choose, and your choices matter for which path you walk, even if the paths end up reconverging down the line. Which path you walk has a ripple effect, and affects you and the world in little but meaningful ways.
That choice leads to none being wrong per se...but there will always be paths that feel more rewarding to have walked down than the alternative paths.
And for me...that's why when I listen to my instincts...when I try to pursue the path that is most right for me in the moment...I see the focus on building my life with kels.
Kels is my greatest treasure. They are the best part of my world. They are what I value most. They are my other half. I want to be together with them forever, for the rest of eternity, to be tied together and to be a part of each other. I never want to be left without them in my life. And I want them in my life as much as they can be. (Well...within healthy reason.)
I have more values than just kels, of course.
I value my friends, especially those who have demonstrated they value me.
I value my spaces, my communities.
I value my creativity, and pursuing my talents.
I value my skills as a teacher and healer, and hold the desire to mend others, to educate them, to help them.
But kels is the thing I value most of all. They are my wife-to-be. They are the most important thing in the world to me.
So as far as I'm concerned...it's kels first, and all of the others are second, in balance with each other.
And when I take that into account...what's right for me to do in the moment? Is often to cherish my time with kels. To love them. To dote on them. To shower them with praise and affection. To give them gifts. "What you want...you get." is what I tell them. If they want something, they shall have it. Giving them my love is the right thing for me to do because I love them.
Building my life with them is the right thing, because they are my other half, and at this point I genuinely don't think I can live my life without them in it. I need to be there for them. I need to not feel like I have wasted my time with them. I need to not feel like I could have spent more time with them. Because I need to be there and experience life with them. That is the right thing for me to do, above all other things.
And then when I look at all of the other things I value beyond kels...none of them involve coming forward about what happened last year. I don't value "doing the right thing" in the sense of preventing potential future or current victims from being further victimized. That would be altruistic. That would be selfless. That would be noble. But while past-me may have been of the mindset of pursuing that as the only right thing to do...now I know better. And as selfish as it may be...I care more about my future and present with kels. Which makes the right thing to do, not coming forward, because while it would potentially help others...it does nothing to help kels and I build our future together.
The right thing for me to do feels like to focus on that. On my future with the love of my life, and all who are still a part of my life.
If I were to come forward, then a lot of the people who previously cut me out of their lives may potentially want me back in their lives again...but if I'm being honest?
...In our current state, neither kels or I have the time/energy to handle the expanded network we used to have. We are in far fewer spaces than we were in a little over a year ago. (Well, it's getting closer to a year and a half at this point.) But a year and a half ago, we were both living at home with our families, basically not working, with a ton of free time and energy, and far fewer responsibilities. We had less to worry about, we had less we needed to do just to survive. We had the safety net of our families and the security to spend our time and energy more freely on others.
And right now?
...We don't.
We don't have that time or energy to spend on others, as we used to, because we are barely surviving as-is. We need to spend the extra time and energy we previously were spending on the people and communities we're currently no longer welcome in...on us.
In that sense, coming forward and being believed...would actually be WORSE for us than not being believed or not coming forward. Not being believed or not coming forward both has the same result: our circle of friends and spaces/communities remains much smaller than it previously was. It allows us to have both the time to focus on ourselves, AND the time to focus on our remaining friends and spaces.
Basically, with our current situation...we need to spend some time and energy on ourselves, to secure our future. A year and a half ago, the time and energy we are currently spending on ourselves to secure our future was free to be spent elsewhere; now it's not.
Essentially...imagine there's a pool of 99 energy. 33-66 energy is needed for securing our future. 33 energy is needed for the current friends and spaces. 33-66 energy is required for the spaces we are no longer in. A year and a half ago, we were spending 0 energy on securing the future, leaving that 99 energy all for the friends and spaces.
But if the friends and spaces we no longer have were to suddenly re-enter our lives right now...there would be a 33 - 66 energy deficit. We don't have the time/energy to handle the additional life responsibilities of securing our future (absent from last year), plus our current friends/spaces, IN ADDITION TO the friends/spaces we lost.
Which is why having lost those spaces is, while we are working on securing our future, a blessing; it allows us to have the energy we need to secure our future while not causing us to neglect our friends/spaces and still leave time for everything and everyone in our life right now.
...And since I believe we would be believed...
...That means I believe we would be welcomed back into at least some of the spaces we currently are not. Maybe not all! But at least SOME would welcome us back when they learn we're actually the victims and their actions were helping the perpetrators further harass us and drive us to the brink of killing ourselves repeatedly.
In that sense...in the here and now?
...It's actually better that they currently believe...well, whatever they believe.
Maybe they believe we're delusional--they believe we genuinely believe we've been harassed by problematic people, but they believe we're delusional and that we were problematic and the problematic people aren't problematic, essentially.
Maybe they believe we're problematic people--that we're actually just lying, and that we were never harassed, that we deserved everything which happened to us, that we aren't the victims but are perpetrators, that we know the problematic people aren't and are telling a lie.
Maybe they believe it's somewhere between those two.
Maybe they believe the truth is more complex and that it's somewhere between what we have shared and what the problematic people have shared. That nobody is problematic, but believe the other 'side' to be more worth keeping in their space.
Who knows what they believe. But whatever they believe, their belief is currently that I and kels are not worth associating with, are not worth having in their lives/spaces. For whatever their belief, the end result is the same. They don't want to be a part of our lives right now.
And that's actually for the best...because if they believed that I was worth welcoming back into their life in any capacity...I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it right now.
Kels and I are struggling as-is to balance handling life and friends/spaces we still have.
Adding more people/spaces would lead to a greater struggle. I'd either end up neglecting life stuff or neglecting spaces/friends in ways I'm currently not.
So...it's for the best for kels and I that they currently believe we're not worth having around, because we wouldn't be able to handle having them around despite efforts.
Kels and I are both chronic People Pleasers. We are both Empaths. We have the same habits/tendencies to devote all of our time/energy and then some to places we cherish and love, leaving us neglecting our personal lives. We want others to be happy. We want to help. We have that altruism, that love. We love people, we love spaces, we love communities, and give our heart and soul to them just out of that genuine love and support...
...So if someone wants to be in our lives...we let them be in our lives.
...And because every person/space in our lives takes time/energy, the more people who want us around...the more energy/time we spend on others, and the less we spend on ourselves.
That's why I believe getting canceled was a blessing. It cut 90% of the people/spaces I was in, out of my life. That meant all of the time/energy spent on 90% of the people/spaces was suddenly freed up, to focus on me.
And you know what...
...I trust in the universe, in my guides.
"All is as it should be."
Including those people currently being out of my life.
I genuinely believe that, down the line, when I have more stability in my life, that I will suddenly have the extra time/energy I once had--and when I have that extra time/energy back, I believe that's when the people who were once in my life but currently aren't, will begin to come back in.
That's why I feel like the truth will come out circa 2026 or sooner. I feel like kels and I will have successfully built a life together in that time. Gotten married, settled down, began a life. I feel like the problematic people being exposed as problematic will happen after kels and I have already rebuilt our lives, healed, and no longer are spending all our time/energy on just surviving.
When we are ready to accept more people into our lives, we will be allowed to, as it were. Friendships ended could be rekindled, should they so choose, because kels and I could handle it on our end and they would be willing to try on their end.
That is what I feel, deep down, at least.
So long as I am doing my part, but don't push myself too hard.
Of course...all that said...
...If any of the people who aren't in my life read this blog...
...Please don't think it means you shouldn't try to become a part of my life.
"All is as it should be" applies to YOU as well!
If you are reading this blog...then trust there is a good reason for you to have read this blog.
If you are reading this blog, then the chances are the reason WHY you are reading it is BECAUSE you are ready to have me be a part of your life, and vice-versa.
Don't think that I won't have the time/energy for you.
Don't think that the time isn't right.
Don't think that you need to wait.
Don't think that you would be unwelcome.
Don't think that you would be rejected. (I will happily accept you.)
Don't think that me accepting you will cause me to overextend.
Don't think that you will be the straw to break my camel's back and cause me to overexert myself.
No.
If you are reading this blog, and if there is any interest in starting or rekindling a relationship with me--beit associate or friendship--then trust you were led here because it is your guides and the universe's way of telling you that you are in the right place and the right time to do exactly what you desire.
You read, or at least skimmed, this blog. You cared enough to spend the time/energy on it. You wanted to see some part of my life, at least in some small part. And if you did that...then you SHOULD be in my life, and I'll tell you why by letting you in on a little secret:
Everyone currently in my life? Once hadn't heard me out. Everyone who is currently in my life, once had a time when they hadn't listened to me, hadn't accepted me, hadn't told me they were welcome. There was a time when they hadn't done that...but once they did? They became, or remained, a part of my life, with a bond deepened by that trust, that reciprocation.
Your past actions don't matter.
Your fears about the change in life/circumstances don't matter.
Your worries of me being better off without you are exactly that. Anxieties, born of regrets and doubts.
But trust me. If you read this? You are worthy of being my friend, and if you want to be my friend, you can and SHOULD pursue it. It's the right thing for you to do, in the moment. And it will be a regret if you don't. I'm a catch. I'm growing into my greatest self yet. My journey has continued, and I'm even better to know now than I was a year and a half ago. You can watch me grow at any time, but I would love to have you here.
You just gotta have a little faith, that you're not going to weigh me down, that you're not going to be a problem, and that you will be welcomed and accepted. You are where you belong. And given the chance...I will love you. And that will not be a bad thing, because it will be the least you deserve. <3
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