What I mean by a "cheater blog" is that I'm going to be taking a few of my recent 'unofficial blog' posts on my main Twitter and my Threads account (links to the main things I'm copying), rather than writing a blog for today from scratch.
I suppose I'll mention; I'm not looking forward to a work meeting today, and have a lot of work work to do, but I'll get through it somehow.
I've gotta be quick though as I've got daily morning routine tasks to do, like showering, meds, eating breakfast, etc.
So, to copy my unofficial blog posts on social media;
It took me a lot of time to figure out "what is 'right'" to do, but I did come to an answer eventually. Turns out it's both a lot more complex, but also a lot simpler, than I had thought. Do what feels right for YOU to do, in the moment; what that is, changes with time and life.
I also call it "pursue the path of least regret". You will always regret what you didn't do and the consequences of what you did/didn't do. Choose whatever you feel you will least regret later. For me, that's pursuing my happiness and peace, healing and finding contentness. <3
kels and I have been calling each other "my wife" recently. The wedding might not be until October 31st 2025, but while that will be a ceremony and a piece of paper, for all intents and purposes, we may as well already be married. Together, forever, for the rest of eternity. <3
We are happy. We are doing well. We are content.
And I have thought a lot about the future, and the people in it.
I've been reflecting a lot on friendship.
This might sound a bit harsh, but it's ultimately a hard truth I was forced to learn.
I will never again make the mistake of tiering friendships, but, I want to express how there's three groups of people for me, which are essentially "how much energy/time I'm willing to give them." (Able will always sadly be lower.)
The first group, who I will give literally anything and everything to, are those who have seen me at my lowest and stuck with me. They've seen my darkest aspects, all of my negative traits, every trait of mine SEEN as something negative...and chose to stay. They supported me, and have reciprocated the love I give them with their own when I most needed it. They didn't care about my failings. They cared about their friend.
I twice nearly caved to suicidal impulses in the last year. Those people saved my life. I owe everything to them. And I can never pay them back. They saw the real me, before I could. I dealt with crippling anxieties, depression, and imposter syndrome where I thought myself a monster--and every friend cutting me out only fueled those thoughts. I trusted their judgement, and they judged me problematic, and I didn't want to live because who wants to be a source of pain? I didn't want to.
Every person who heard how horrible I was, but then rather than believe it, heard me out, listened to me, supported me, who valued the friend they knew rather than the threat to communities they heard I was, who valued me over my darkness, who saw the light in me when all I could see was my shadow? They have helped me grow, see my strength, and heal. I owe them my life, quite literally, and will give my all to them.
The second group is those who likely never knew what I was going through, or at least, not the full extent. These are the people who never heard the other side. The people who never heard about any problematic behavior I had allegedly done. They never saw my darkness, they never heard of the harm I caused, they never knew of any hurt, of any alleged behavior I had shown worthy of canceling, of being cut out. They never knew.
Whether they would care or not doesn't really matter. Maybe they'd join those who cut me out. Maybe they'd join those who stuck with me. The thing which makes me value them is that they still helped me, in my lowest times. These people supported me and gave me love and vibes during my lowest times, regardless of how they may not have known how badly I was in need of their love.
These people helped save my life, despite not knowing my life needed to be saved, or not knowing why, or not knowing that I had that darker side that I had almost lost my life to the consequences of it. And so, I will always owe them a debt of gratitude, and will do whatever I can for them. I might not be able to give them all of my heart and soul, but anything I can give them, I will, because they deserve that and more.
Then there's the third group: all potential future friends. Which is...almost every human. There's people I would never want to befriend, there's people I could never befriend, but by and large, I treat everyone as if they are a potential future friend, because you never know...one day, they might be! After all...most humans are worth befriending. The limits of time/energy as well as circumstances of needing a way to have met and connected limit us, but...
...The way I see it. Those limits, sad as they are, don't change the truth about the individuals. They are worth befriending. They are worth being friends with. They are funny, they are quirky, they are talented, they have interesting lives, they have love, they have ways they support people, they are good, they try to do good, and left to their own devices, are passionate about a lot of interesting things, with all those skills they never think actually are, but which truly are.
One of my greatest sadnesses is that all of the people with those traits, I will only know a fraction of a fraction of them. In my lifetime, I will only know a few thousand people, and be close with a few hundred or so. (Might be off by one zero, could be few ten thousand and close to a few thousand, but you get the sentiment.) The people worth knowing number in the billions.
I can never be friends with everyone. Barriers exist. Vibes not matching, languages not connecting, places too far removed, time/energy, circumstances, etc. You get the idea. But most people are worth being friends with, even if I can't actually be friends with them. So I treat them all with the energy to match, because they deserve it in their life.
And, yes, this group also includes those who cut me out when they heard about my darkness and believed it true. I have faith the truth will come out, probably sooner rather than later, without me needing to go public about what actually went down in 2023 to cause all of the hurt. I kinda feel by vibes it's likely in or before 2026. Some time within the next two years, I feel, time will be kind to me and my fiance for what happened last year. We'll be vindicated then.
A lot of misinformation got spread, from either outright lies or truths maliciously portrayed as being something sinister that never was there. I feel, without me needing to self-advocate publicly, without me needing to come forward, people will on their own realize "...wait...", and then things will fall into place as to how the public at large was led to be agents in bullying and harassing two people to the point where they both nearly self-unalived twice each.
A lot of the people who thought they were doing the right thing by cutting me out will realize what I was a victim of and realize to their horror they were taking part in that campaign with their choices, especially if they spread that version of me to others who then acted on it themselves.
They were hurt, but they were hurt by a version of me that never actually existed. They were hurt by a fictional version of me spread maliciously behind closed doors. That hurt was real, yes.
But what was also real is that I was exactly the friend and community member they had always known publicly. I was exactly what they saw on a daily basis. What was there was exactly what it seemed to be: a loving, supportive person, spreading joy and positivity, making silly jokes, uplifting people, trying to be there for them. And while I certainly have my failures, that is who I always was, and I've only gotten BETTER at being exactly that over the last year or so.
When the truth comes out, about how all of the bad things they thought I was, were all from me just trying to do the right thing and being my natural supportive, loving self? A lot of the people who cut me out may have a lot of thoughts, thoughts I can only imagine what they will be.
But on my end...they never stopped being my friends and found family. They made the decision to cut me out, but at any point, they can make the decision to want me back in their space...and I will happily welcome them back into mine, because I hold no ill will to them, no bad feelings. I love them. I wouldn't be very loving if I rejected them when they were trying to do the right thing and/or acted from a place of having been hurt.
I know a lot of them will feel awkward, or feel like they can't rebefriend me, or feel guilt, or feel unworthy, or feel like they cannot make amends, or so on or so forth. And maybe they never want to reconnect, feeling like too much has changed, that we've drifted apart naturally and the things we bonded over no longer bond us together. You know, the things which friendships end up dissolving over with time naturally.
And that's valid! But for any who have any part of them that may want to reconnect...I will happily do my part to.
Past friends can become future friends, just as past strangers can become future friends. The process may be different, the results are the same. Everyone is a potential future friend to me. Well, just about everyone. (You get the idea.)
And thus, all potential future friends get the same treatment from me; I try to give them as much as I can, within reason.
I can't give people as much time or energy as I want. But they all deserve it. I hate having to prioritize, because I can't do everything. But I will continue to do all that I can, for all of them, because humans are great. They are creative, passionate, supportive, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, funny, and great at giving vibes. I love them all.
I have such love to give to the world. Time, energy, ability, and circumstances limit my ability to give it, but the world deserves that level of love regardless of whether I actually give it. And I truly hope everyone reading this can receive some love themselves. You deserve it. <3
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