Both kels and I are doing fantastic, overall. In every way, save for one, our lives are as good as can be, pretty much.
That one way is, in the grand scheme of things, a small bump in an otherwise wondrous road filled with happiness. But it's why blogging hasn't been happening regularly, and a stressor, which has caused the closest thing me and my wife-to-be have ever gotten to a fight. It's something leaving us frustrated, angry, stressed, and often, feeling a bit hopeless and trying to figure out what we can do. And...we don't really know, honestly.
And that one thing is finances.
Along with the stress of work, particularly my frustratingly terrible work schedule not to mention a work environment where I am feeling like I'm basically one small misstep away from potentially losing it, despite how screwed we would be without it.
I can't go into detail too much about my work stressors, but I can mention that my current schedule is horrible. All-day Sundays (early morning to evening, legit takes ALL of the day), Monday Mornings, then Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday evenings. Which is a horrible schedule. I do not like it. If I wasn't an Aquatic Lead and if I didn't need the money desperately, I would be setting a hard work boundary. Making it set so I can ONLY work the morning shift, NOTHING ELSE.
The only reasons I haven't done that is because I feel like as an Aquatic Lead if I were that inflexible I wouldn't be an Aquatic Lead, and that I need money so I need all the shifts I can work.
But, to be clear. I do not like those shifts. The culture of the shifts is worse. It's more chaotic, more hectic, rather than chill. It has a lot more kids a lot more consistently. It doesn't have the schedule I prefer. It doesn't have the patrons I have rapport with. It leaves me with less free time every single day, and said free time is at a worse time of the day for me. All of my friends work morning shifts and are free in the afternoon to evening. With me working night shifts, I'm working during the time they are free and free during the times they are working. So...I am unhappy with work, in numerous ways.
And work has left me severely burnt out--thus the struggle to do daily tasks like blogs. I haven't been able to sit down and just let my thoughts out, both the bad and all of the good.
And finances remain terrible. My fiance has been looking for a job for over a year, to no success so far. Our life expenses have been draining finances for the entire time we've had an apartment together. I've twice received temporary lifelines. Once, from my parents bailing me out. A second time, from a friend repaying a loan I gave them. But those lifelines have run out. And the gradual drain is about to put us in the red. I don't care about money, because money is just a tool used to obtain things, and I care more about happiness and living my life than money. But...there IS a bare minimum needed to live life, and currently...we are below it. And about to run into the red because we are below the minimum.
And like...there's ways to get more out of the money we have. There's money-saving things we probably would be eligible for! ...If not for the fact our lives are being sucked out by my current work schedule draining our souls. The two problems build off each other. I'm working to the point of being beyond exhausted, which leaves me unable to pursue the means to optimize our income, which feeds into the problem, essentially.
And...I just want to break this downward financial spiral. We need to have a little bit more, both in time and in funds. We are so close to having stability across ALL aspects of our lives. If we aren't constantly worried about going into the red, then I can safely afford to cut back on work. And with me not burnt out, then we can see what we can qualify for, what we can optimize, what we can budget, basically get a stable routine we can consistently follow. We can begin to save, while also still living life in the moment with small luxury expenses here and there.
We are SO CLOSE to having that. We just...aren't there right NOW, and that's causing a lot of anger, stress, and frustration, because we know we are so close to having all of our plans begin to work out...but right now, they're not. Right now, we keep on having to make sacrifice after sacrifice, hard choice after hard choice, limit after limit, disappointment after disappointment. And we're close to the brink, especially with how we don't have much hope of breaking this cycle completely on our own. We're going to need help, despite how much we hate asking for help.
So...that is the main hurdle right now.
But, I do want to reiterate. In all other aspects, our lives are going well. Kels might be frustrated wedding planning has taken a backseat due to the financial stress, but we are by and large? HAPPY.
Mentally, I have been fantastic. While there's been a couple brushes with depression, I am highly content.
I truly believe time will vindicate us both. All of the misinformation maliciously spread about us will be exposed. The lies and malevolent half-truths will be exposed as having been exactly that. The truth will come forward, and people will realize that we are exactly the kind, caring, compassionate people we always appeared to be. That we were people pleasers, who cared about our communities more than anything else, that we would do anything for our friends, that we would give all the love and support to those we care about, and that all of the things we were accused of ended up perverting those acts of love to be something sinister they never were.
I have gone on a great healing journey. I've learned I was always better than I gave myself credit for, I was trying my best at the time, and was just trying to do the right thing. I've recognized, yes, I did make mistakes...but I've learned from them, grown, and as good as I was back then, I am BETTER now.
I have become more loving and supportive than ever before.
I have become more driven and passionate than I was.
I have more to share with the world than I did before.
I spread joy and positivity in all the spaces I am in.
And I am manifesting my marriage to my future-wife. When I look at my fiance, I see them as my wife. I am manifesting us having the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025. The witchy yet still somewhat traditional wedding, in a venue we both like, that has some of those closest in our lives. Not everyone can come, of course, but those that do will get to see that love, that humor, that joy, that positivity, as we vow to be together, forever, for the rest of eternity.
I am okay with life, being fairly chill. I'm content with what we have. I don't need to have all my dreams come true. I just need to live life, moment to moment, and with the love of my life by my side, who I give all the everything to. They are my greatest source of happiness, and the person who makes me feel alive.
We are living. We are having fun. We are enjoying events. We are enjoying the presence of each other. And we have wonderful friends who remain in our life and are great.
We just need that little bit extra to secure the rest of our lives together, where we will be able to get everything we want rather than needing to make the hard choices and sacrifices and being overwhelmed and burnt out.
And to that end...
And Chloe the bunnygirl, one of our two main fronters, is launching a Patreon of her modeling and dancing.
This month, I don't need much to get by. $50 - 200 should do the trick.
And we're pushing, hard, to get to a place where this is the last month where we struggle this badly.
But, we are in a place right now where we need that little bit of help.
And all we can really say is...we are hoping to repay the kindness, generosity, and love showed to us, when we are in a place where we have the stability to do so.
I want to repay all of the kindness and love and support we have given.
And I believe I can, and will. I believe in my ability to succeed. I have ideas for music, content creation, songs, and books. I believe I will become a published author, and potentially a musician, or at least a composer.
I know I won't be able to make everything I want to. Not all the art, webcomics, stories, etc. But I also know I can make at least the ones which matter most to me. I believe in my ability to make them. I just need a small final boost to get into the situation where I am set up to succeed in making them.
Thank you for bearing with me, and being on this wonderful journey. When we get through this struggle...we will be set up for so many wonderful things. <3
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