Today's one of those difficult days.

It's a lot less difficult than days have been for me previously, around June 2024 and December 2024 (both which had me get suicidal at points). In fact, my current level of depression feels like it's the level of "healthy" depression, normal levels of depression, rather than levels that are debilitating and leave me wanting to die.

Which is to say; I'm down, I'm depressed, but I'm not badly depressed. I'm not in pain. I'm not suffering. I'm just kinda apathetic and lazy, rather than crying and miserable. Not great, mind you, but better than I have been when depression has hit before.

This level of depression, I can handle. I can manage. I can live with. The depression I had before, I could not.

It still sucks to be depressed, especially for no reason. This wasn't triggered. It just was.

But! I know it's not as bad as my depressive episodes were in the past, and today is a lot more up and down than my depression days normally have been.

By which, I mean, there's waves of sadness, but the sadness is not a constant.

I am happy, energetic, and enthusiastic still, I just also have low points which are lower than the high highs.

I guess if I were to describe this. Think of the ground level as neutral. Previously, I was sinking below the ocean down to the depths of depression, and my highest highs were like climbing a tree at ground level; barely above zero.

Now, my depression is basically just tripping and falling down to ground level, and my highest highs are me soaring above the mountains, flying about as I please.

I am happy, and largely content.

But, I also don't want to suppress the moments of sad. It comes in waves. Where I'll trip to fall to the ground and then fly then trip. But it's not constantly submerged, and that's good. There's been an entire shift in where the neutral/resting points are, where now the average is at least having climbed the tree at minimum. Stooping closer to the ground than the tree sucks, but it's not life-shattering. I know I will pick myself back up.

So, I'm letting myself feel the feelings, and reminding myself they will pass, and when they pass, I will feel all the love and support I have in my life. I can't be happy all of the time, and I need to remember that, and that this moment of not being happy is normal because nobody is happy all of the time.

But, I am happy most of the time, and that is a definitive improvement. Today is lower than most days, but I am still optimistic.

I am going to manifest the future I want with my fiance.

Every time I look at them, I see my wife. I already think of them as my wife. I can see our future together, with them as my wife. I am manifesting it being the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025, not at a courthouse but a proper wedding. I see us living together, happily, into 2026. (The reason I say 2026 is I lowkey just kinda feel like if the streamer who my fiance believes is a POS is in fact monstrous, I don't think it'd be exposed in 2025. I think it'd either be this year or 2026, with the latter as the more likely. Just kinda vibes, instinct, if you will.)

I see us together, living happily, living our lives relatively comfortably. We might not have the life we want to have, but we won't be miserable. We will be content, we will be happy. We will have plenty of love and support all along the way, and will be much loved. And because I see it and am manifesting it...

...I am carrying that happiness forward into our lives in the present. I carry that energy into my life every day. I am content, as we are. I am happy, as we are. Our life isn't perfect, but it's still a wonderful one where I feel so loved.

I know I am amazingly blessed. And I just...feel so positive about the future.

I can feel it.

I know there will be challenges! I know there will be setbacks! I know we need to put in the work to manifest it, it won't just manifest magically on its own without us putting in the effort. But, I can sense it.

We are going to build a life together.

We are going to be happy, together. Forever, for the rest of eternity.

I am already happy with them, and that happiness will only grow with time. That level of contentness will only strengthen, to become stronger and more than ever before.

The good will only get better, becoming great.

And I can sense it. That love, that support.

And that's why I've been able to carry this shifted outlook so well recently.

I just saw a vision of the future, and unlike all of the visions which were what-if spiraling...this one was one I felt was partially already real, and just needs time and a small push to be real fully.

So like...I have an entirely different outlook on life. Instead of doubting things will ever happen, I now know they will, and that the setbacks we face are challenges we will overcome to become stronger and more connected than ever before.

Instead of giving up, I am seeing the silver linings, how to pivot.

I know some situations just suck, but I see what can be used from them, by and large.

I see the way to spin the positives from events which others see as only negative.

And I am going to use that positivity to make good on my promise. I made a resolution last year to spread joy and positivity to all in my life. I'm going to make good on that. Because while days like today are a low point for me, my life as a whole is only growing higher and higher. I no longer fear it crashing down again. I'm no longer afraid of loss. I'm no longer afraid of things not working. I'm not worried about the dissonance between my hopes and aspirations versus the destruction of my life from problems.

I'm just...so optimistic about the future.

And I want to carry that energy to all who will let me give it to them. <3