Keep in mind, it's expressing months' worth of thoughts and revelations and breakthroughs and reflections, and I have ADHD, am distracted, have autism, and am multitasking, so my way of expressing it may not be as clear as I want. At this point though, I'm not really going to ask for forgiveness and beg to not be canceled or anything, for people to bear with me, etc. Bit late on that boat, that ship has sailed already. So, if my thoughts aren't perfect and it's something someone uses to paint me in a bad light...let them do that. I know who I am and who I am not, and if they want to paint me a certain way without actually talking to me, then they can be my guest, the people who care about me will talk to me.
On that note...
...I basically wanted to talk about my view on last year.
It's simultaneously both complex, and yet, not.
I know that my blogs have been all over the place in depicting what happened last year, so for those who weren't involved, it can be difficult to figure out wtf exactly went on. Well, guess what; I was the one who went through it and it's been so damn difficult for me to figure out wtf exactly went on I still haven't any clue, not truly, what to think of things. What I think changes moment to moment, day to day, month to month.
A lot of my growth over this year however has been in revising my internal view of last year, from my view as shown at the end of last year. I want to be clear that the actions we took are largely dependent on the character of one individual in particular--at one extreme, the actions we took were an echo chamber of a negative feedback spiral about a good person. For most of last year, as well as a great deal of this year, this is what I believed.
At the other extreme, the actions we took were actually underestimating the problematic nature of the person involved. We acted under the belief of that person being good, but flawed in ways detrimental to communities. We wanted to raise awareness of this, and have the person accept that, so they could grow, change, and become better, in ways they otherwise wouldn't. But at the other extreme...they were problematic and we were giving the benefit of the doubt where none was deserved.
I don't actually believe in either extreme. I think the actual truth is somewhere in the middle...but, despite how much I want to have my faith in humanity mean it was closer to the former...the red flags my fiance would later talk to me about, the bad vibes, and my own intuition are pushing me to believe the person is closer to the latter.
There is more. I spent the better part of a year believing my fiance had done something without being aware they had done something. Almost a full year after I was informed of it (I was informed of it on August 21st 2023 after hints on July 31st 2023, I talked about it with kels on August 4th, 2024), I can now confidently stand by them being innocent. I spent almost a full year believing "they are guilty of this, but don't know it; my love for them is greater than any arbitrary cutoff point", where I chose remaining with the love of my life no matter the consequences over cutting them out for what they allegedly did.
...And yet, after having shared with them what they were accused of...I believe them innocent now. I believe the accusation was false. There's only four people who could have made the accusation in the timeframe it was made. My fiance swears it wasn't the person who I spent a year thinking it was, and the other three are all people who would have made that accusation either as a lie they figured was harmless or out of malice/delusion (one of the two). A 3/4 chance of innocence is one I am all too happy to take, because the love of my life is worth having.
To some lesser extent, a lot of what went on last year also depends on the character of two ex-friends. When I shared with my fiance conversations I had with them, they pointed out to me how there was a contradiction in what these two had tried to tell me. How they had talked about stopping my fiance from doing some "stupid stuff", but left out exactly what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of was...for good reason, because what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of directly contradicted what I was being told my fiance was allegedly trying to do.
At the time, when the conversations first happened, on some level I was able to identify the dissonance between what they said and what I knew to be true of my fiance. But, I had believed at the time that they were accidental in those contradictions. When my fiance pointed the contradictions I had on some level detected, it cast doubt onto my world view of it having been accidental and has left me thinking they knowingly and deliberately were trying to gaslight me into dropping my at-the-time-friend.
I still want to believe in the inner goodness of everyone. At the goodness extreme, everyone involved (the person, the accuser, the ex-friends, all 8 friends from March 19th to July 23rd, myself, my fiance) would all have been trying to do the right thing, but imperfections and misunderstandings and misinterpretations and a whole failure of communication and emotions running high and so on and so forth led to those imperfections, those flaws, badly interacting and a heated meltdown of things exploding, when in hindsight they should never have gotten that bad, and it's best everyone went their separate ways despite being good people.
...But as much as I want to believe in that extreme...I can't.
I don't believe the other extreme either, as vindicating as it would be. I don't think the person who caused all of this is secretly a monster nobody knew was one. I don't believe the accuser would be a completely horrible person through and through. I don't believe the ex-friends are terrible people. Any of those being true would be incredibly cathartic, but I doubt them to be true, as much as it would be healing for it to be.
...However...
...A large part of the healing process for me is realizing that wherever the middle ground is...it's okay for me to believe that the individuals in question are closer to the latter than the former...at least in key ways. I believe the person isn't a good person in at least a few key ways. As many red flags as I can wave off with justifications, some just cannot be explained as anything but a red flag, meaning they have some clear problematic traits that are just problematic. Depending on who the accuser was, if it was one of two of the three who would make the false accusation then they are someone who would be prone to rewriting events, lying to others either deliberately or accidentally, and their own loved ones would call them out on their bullshit. If it was the third of the three then it would've been a lie they figured was harmless to tell not realizing it would carry consequences for me and my fiance down the line. And the ex-friends did try to gaslight me, deliberately.
Those are all true. Them having done that doesn't mean they need to be monsters. Or even horrible people. But they did do bad things and have bad traits that led to both my fiance and myself nearly killing ourselves twice. In the July-August 2023 range Kels wrote a letter, had it planned out, exactly how they were going to unalive themself, and only my presence saved them. I fell into that depression hole badly in December 2023 and again in June-July 2024. My fiance relapsed in April 2024 too. We have genuinely had brushes with death owing to the events which happened in that timeframe...
...And that is something which it is okay to note as having been Not Okay to have been put through. A lot of the growth I've gone through is realizing that no matter how well-intentioned the people involved are (and, again, it's possible the intentions were not in fact well-intentioned and were in fact malicious), me and my fiance were victims of a misinformation campaign, of bullying and harassment designed to isolate us.
I also want to be clear...I know our own actions were worth criticising, regardless of circumstances or justification. Even if it's true that my fiance was within their legal right to pursue legal action, bringing that up even in an informative way could reasonably be interpreted as a threat. Even if it was on the advice of the ex-friends, my fiance's pursuit of trying to sort things out could be interpreted as spreading it around (although I believe this trait was maliciously exaggerated).
And on my end...I was emotionally compromised. We both were. Being emotionally compromised, and on the defensive, we made mistakes. We reacted poorly. We lashed out. And depending on the characters of the individuals involved...a lot of the actions leading up to it are also things of questionable "shoulda known better", as it were. We didn't do things as we ought to have, regardless.
And when it all blew up, we reacted poorly. On my end, I was furious. I was angry. I refused to believe my friend-at-the-time could be anything but the friend I knew, and was angry at everyone taking action against them, believing them wrong. And I lashed out under this belief, essentially of my now-fiance having been perfect and having done no wrong whatsoever. I argued, very extensively, very harmfully, with the now-ex-friends, because to me friendship is the most important thing in the world and I would do anything for a friend, and I was already in love with kels at the time.
I also believed myself to be a monster. "Kels can't be a monster, because I know what a monster is, because I am a monster" was a thought I had. My imposter syndrome, various anxieties, depression, and my past all led me to believe that I was a hurtful, problematic monster, just faking being a good person, that my true self was me at my darkest, me at my worst, and that the good I had done was all an illusion, an act, all me pretending, all me trying to get something, all me furthering a personal agenda.
And under that belief, I said some very harmful things, including in my now-deleted blog posts. I degraded the value of communities and friendships I had, in a place of my internal anxieties and in an incredibly emotionally compromised state.
I did not handle things well.
Regardless of the character of the others involved, my part as well as my fiance's part will always be one where we did have failings. No matter how well-intentioned we were, no matter how much we were trying to do the right thing, no matter how hurt we were, how emotionally compromised we were, no matter how much we were trying our best at the time...we made mistakes. We messed up. And it would be irresponsible of me to not learn from those failings. It would be delusional to think we were perfect and could not have done better. It would be wrong to say we were 100% in the right.
...But healing has come from realizing we were not 100% in the wrong, either. We WERE trying our best. We WERE trying to do the right thing. We DID have good reason to be emotional. Anyone put on the defensive, anyone emotionally compromised, IS going to lash out.
And all of this applies, regardless of where the individuals fall on the spectrum of good to problematic.
The further they are from being good, the more I can stand proud in where I chose to be, essentially.
I can acknowledge my mistakes. I can acknowledge I messed up. I can acknowledge I had failings. But if the people are closer to the problematic side...then in the grand scheme of things...then I can stand proud for doing my best to do the right thing, and look back and say I ultimately, flawed as it was, stood by what really mattered, what was truly important, what most was worth protecting and pursuing.
And...that is largely why I say I feel time will vindicate us. I believe we will be vilified. I believe a lot of the things believed of us, a lot of the bad things we are believed to have done, will be revealed as the misinformation they are, and how that misinformation spread will be exposed, down the line.
I believe that the problematic people will be exposed. That the individual who kicked this off will have their flaws exposed at some point, that our ex-friends chose their friendship with this person over doing the right thing and over their friendship with my fiance, that the ex-friends used the lie told to them about my fiance to justify harassing me when I pursued my happiness with my fiance, and how people all trying to do the right thing ended up as pawns because they believed that misinformation and acted on it, spread it, and helped propagate the harassment.
I believe time will reflect well on us and poorly on those who kicked off the misinformation campaign against us. Because I believe a lot of the things that are currently private will be exposed, with time, and in the public eye be scrutinized and have people go, "wait a sec..." at their prior assumptions on how things went down.
I spent most of 2023 believing me and my fiance were in the wrong. I spent the first half of 2023 by and large walking to a middle ground of "everyone was both in the right AND in the wrong". But a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I am not a monster and never have been. I was right about my fiance, and their innocence. I was RIGHT to stick with them, especially since they are the love of my life. I have always been a kind, caring, compassionate person, loving, and supportive. I've only gotten better at being a good friend, but I always was one, even at my lowest point.
We may or may not have been in the right, but we believed we were, and acted as best we could. We did the best we could at the time to do the right thing. We were good people then, and are even better people now. And that is true, regardless of the characters of the people involved.
I am worth having and keeping as a friend. I spread joy and positivity in all spaces I am welcome. I am there for friends. A big healing moment was when I went from going, "all I HAVE is words, I have no actions I possibly can take" (a mistaken belief I held at the beginning of 2024) to realizing that in actuality, those words I gave WERE actions, because of their consistent investment of time, energy, and presence, that level of investment, where I was THERE, and I CARED, and I showed it by carefully crafting those words.
There was healing involved in realizing me carefully crafting words wasn't manipulation...it was CARE. Care, because I wanted to give the most support and love, to do the best thing, to help as much as I possibly could. Those words were actions.
And I believe time will show a lot of the things thought to have been malicious from me, thought to be bad, thought to be harmful, will be shown with time to be exactly what they were. Maybe imperfect, but always sincere, genuine efforts to do the right thing, to do the best I could, to love, to support, to help, as best as I could.
I know it can be hard to believe that I genuinely love everyone, especially communities I believe are found family, but I believe with time people will realize just how sincere my love was, how pure and innocent it was. Naive, to be sure. Maybe overly optimistic! Stupidly idealistic. But sincere. Not an act. Not faked. Not done with an agenda. Pure, genuine love.
I believe my actions are going to be seen and understood a lot more with time.
I believe people are going to reflect back and think what I did makes a lot more sense with time.
I believe people are going to see what I did and not just understand, but agree, and think in my shoes they would do the same.
And I believe, as the people involved have what they did and continue to do exposed, a lot of the misinformation will be exposed as having been exactly that.
But ultimately...even if it never does get exposed...I ultimately don't care. I am healing. The people who remain in my life are the people who most matter to me. I have a feeling a lot of what we went through is going to get exposed, and people are going to be mortified about how two people were twice nearly driven to unalive themselves from the misinformation campaign, and realize a lot of the actions they took in the name of trying to safeguard their spaces were actually doing the exact opposite.
Yet, even if they never know...even if they never learn...then I don't care. I am going to pursue my happiness. I am going to pursue having a life, with my loved ones. I have to follow my own truths. I constantly visit the past, with doubts. But deep down, I know. I believe in my own inner goodness, and the goodness in most people. And I believe that despite the mistakes, I am allowed to heal, and to have happiness. I am allowed to have friends, and spaces where I am welcomed, even valued.
We deserve to have friends, and be supported. We are supportive. We are loving. I spread joy and positivity. I know my value. And it's okay to have that.
It's a challenge. Basically, I don't want to believe myself perfect. Nor my fiance, despite how much I love them. I don't want to believe we were completely in the right. I don't want to ignore the pain, I don't want to ignore the hurt. I don't want to believe I did nothing wrong. You get the idea.
But, I also want to be realistic and honest. And being realistic and honest...no. We did not deserve what we have gone through and continue to go through. We are not the horrible people we're now widely believed to be. We are not the problematic people who deserved to be cut out. We were never given a chance to share our perspective, and had we been given that opportunity, a lot would have been different in a way that would have left far less harm.
I have made mistakes, but a lot of my mistakes were in thinking I had made mistakes I actually never made. A lot of my mistakes were in accepting everyone's views as valid except my own. Believing everyone else was right except for me. Believing I was always in the wrong and could never be in the right. A lot of my mistakes were in over-valuing the input of others, and taking their views as infallible, believing they couldn't be wrong, and that I had to be mistaken, I had to have messed up, I had to have been the problem.
And a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem. Nor was my fiance. We were never a danger to communities. We were never a threat to anyone. A lot of the issues would have been solved by better communication, but the failure to communicate was not on our end.
People never talked to us.
And I genuinely believe...down the line...they are going to learn...they weren't as in the right as they believed.
But, that is their journey to take, not mine.
My journey has already largely happened, with the healing of realizing exactly who I am, and who I am NOT. I am NOT a monster. I am NOT a problem. I AM a supportive friend, who gives my all to the people I love. I AM very loving, with a genuine love of humanity and doubly so for found families. I AM kind, caring, compassionate, loving, empathetic, and supportive. I AM a good friend.
It's okay to heal. It's okay to find peace. And it's okay to have people love me, and to love them, and to be with people who match my energy.
And that is why my life is as good as it is.
I am happy.
I am content.
I have a world view that I believe is very conductive to spreading joy and positivity.
I have an outlook I feel is great for bonding.
I just...think I have a lot of good things going for me. And I don't think them delusional. They are true, and while I might not be able to express things, I may be able to fully lay things out...I feel I will have history see me and know I had a good perspective. Not perfect, mind you! I'm still improving. I'm still refining. But really good.
And that's been very healing.
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