I know why months of preparation wasn't enough for the fear I face every day.
Months ago, I messed up badly--in a very hurtful way, carrying consequences. I screwed up royally. And I knew that whatever happened to me was justified and warranted. I accepted it. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible, so I know that as I am responsible, my past actions have consequences. So I braced myself for the inevitable, and thought I would be okay.
I was not okay, and now that I know it, I live every day in fear.
But it's not because I fear for me.
I care not what happens to me. What happens to me is justified. What happens to me is warranted. And I get that. I am okay with that.
What terrifies me is when the justified actions happen to me, how many it would affect, and how badly it would impact them.
I have made it my life mission to uplift people--and I'm fairly good at it. I'm active, I'm engaged, I pay attention, I stay positive, I entertain with stupid jokes, etc. All of which endears me to people. By and large, I befriend people in my chosen family, because they are my chosen family.
I don't fear me losing my chosen families, because it's warranted. It's justified for my chosen family to boot me out for my crimes with how hurtful they are.
I fear my chosen family being hurt by the process. Not everyone knows about my hurtful past, and if I were to suddenly be booted out, everyone in that chosen family would know suddenly--and it would be harmful to all of them.
I don't want them to lose that person who cares and loves for them. I don't want them to think badly of the person who in some cases, is the one and only person to have bonded with them. I don't want them to think badly of the person who showed them love and support of being their great amazing selves. I don't want that positivity to be lost in their lives, those jokes to sour in their minds, to have them have their experiences with me twisted by my past.
I don't want to cause pain.
I don't want to cause hurt.
And that's what I am afraid of. I'm not afraid of anything happening to me. I am ultimately someone who deserves to be ostracized for having made the mistakes I made.
What I fear is the people I would leave behind, and the hurt they would feel. I know I am not that important. I know I'm not as crucial or critical as my narcissistic egotistical self says I am. I know the communities I am a part of would survive without me. I know they would be fine. I know they don't need me. I know all of that. But I also know the amount of hurt wouldn't be zero.
I would still cause harm.
I would still cause damage.
And I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want people to be in pain because of me.
I can't stop them being hurt by my past actions. I did what I did. What I did carries consequences. So I can't stop them from getting hurt by those actions if they come up.
I still fear it anyway.
Because I want the best for them.
I want to help them.
I do help them, by being a part of their lives.
And I don't want them to lose that source of positivity, least of all by having their experience of it tainted by my past mistakes haunting me.
Yet, obviously, this is out of my hands.
And that's part of my fear.
I have no control over it at all.
I can't undo what I did.
I can't decide what others do with what I did--I have no say in the consequences for my actions.
So, I live in fear that whatever those consequences will be, justified and warranted as they may be, will hurt others.
And when that happens.
All I can really say is, I'm sorry.
I really wish I could've been better and that you never went through that level of heartbreak.
But if you did go through it.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I failed.
That's all I can offer.
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