...When I can, I want to squeeze an entry in, no matter how humble it may be.
Timing-wise, that probably means I won't be hitting hard on the serious topics I want to. No real philosophy talk, no real addressing of my past crimes, no real uplifting affirmations or going over things.
But I promise I haven't forgotten.
I'm me. My burdens aren't things I will easily forget. My mistakes are things I can never forget. My regrets are eternal. My advice is nothing special, and while my philosophy is something I truly believe is the best path forward, it requires a bunch of explanation. My dumb humor isn't anything remarkable, so anything I have to offer from a longer entry is something which can wait.
Still. Despite this blog not having anything special. My blog has always covered whatever topic I thought of. My blog often serves as a snapshot in time. It can show little snippets of little pieces of my life, but is never the whole story. I always hold back a lot from the public, either between deliberately not telling it, or just not thinking about it, or forgetting about it, or whatever.
And, sometimes I even deliberately embellish things, deliberately exaggerate things. I am a writer, after all. And I've been writing since I was 13, I'm good at creating narratives, including in a daily blog. I've also been playing mafia since I was 13, and as both the informed minority and uninformed majority, learned the value of presentation, of strategically framing things, of highlighting only what I want.
Combine the two, and you get someone who often wants to entertain her audience, but I can use it for worse ends at my worst. Yet because the best lies are those that are mostly true, a lot of what I say has truth to it. And because my perspective is my perspective, it can and will be flawed, for better (I'm extra critical/cynical/etc.) or for worse (I'm downplaying nasty things/idealistic/naive).
And my blog is genuinely just whatever. It's fueled primarily by ADHD, and a side of bipolar disorder with autism and plurality thrown into the mix. There's a reason the 'ramble'/'rambles'/'rambling' tag is by far the most used on my blog. I don't have the smarts to think in advance and to make something artful of my blog. It's random stuff, random snippets from my life. The good, the bad, and the truly ugly.
These days I'm trying to go on a path which is going to be ridiculously hard, a path basically free of bad. I'm very active on twitter and a lot of things I want to do detailed blogs on, I just am doing small snippets on twitter. And among them is a goal to generate a bright light greater than the darkness I have created. The darkness surrounding me will haunt me for my life. So, I want to create a light which outshines the darkness. The darkness will still be there--it can never disappear, or be erased. I will carry that burden with me for life. But I want to make a light which makes the darkness be unable to ensnare others. Let the bright light shine and guide a better future.
I want to create a path forward of understanding, of non-toxic positivity, of empathy and love and support. Which is not easy. It's very very hard to overcome biases and overcome perceptions of others, particularly negative ones. But I want to become that figure of love. I know it's going to be tough, and place a large burden on me. I know it's going to be hard, going to be painful, going to make me suffer more than I already am, and I won't fully succeed. But, as long as I mostly do, I will have left more good in the world than bad.
And I hope that's good enough for others.
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