And while they are difficult, they give a sense of things.
To keep a long story short:
This morning, I was in a friend's tarot stream. I had to go on an errand.
When I came back, that friend had just raided into another tarot streamer, who offered free readings. I had no idea how good they would be but I decided to see.
I've had variants on this question on my mind for months, and most readers give good answers, but not an answer that I can stick by.
This one, I might be able to.
The reading was both the most brutal yet also most loving reading I have ever gotten. It was the clearest, loudest I have ever gotten. It was exactly honed in. The reader was able to sense the situation perfectly, picking up details in the cards which aren't normally there, having an idea of how to see them. They were very very good at their reading, and it got through, and I can stick to the reading.
This reading took like five, ten minutes, and is way way way too long to clip, and I don't think I can really record it start to finish, but some of the loose highlights, loosely;
I missed the nuance.
I can't fix things, and shouldn't try.
I caused great harm.
I need to accept accountability.
I need to accept my part.
I need to give it a large amount of time.
I violated a boundary.
I crossed a line.
Self-love.
Self-healing.
Self-acceptance.
Release.
Don't come from a place of trying to fix what was broken; come from a place of pure love.
I may not know the nuances I missed (I won't unless I am told), but I can know I missed them. Just knowing I did is enough. (Although I can guess at least a few.)
I already knew I couldn't fix things, but when it was saying I shouldn't try what really came through was more a sense of, "don't overcompensate and try too hard to atone/redeem yourself", if that makes sense.
To explain that, I certainly have had a shift in my presence online. The me that I am now is far more empathetic, caring, and invested in others than before--and that's not a bad thing! But, I often force it. I often am forcing myself to be more present, because I have it in my mind "I need to atone, I need to make up for my failure, and to make up for it I need to force myself to always be this wonderful amazing engaged person who spreads that joy and positivity all the time". And that was what I got as being the shouldn't try.
I can still be that evolved empathetic self. I can still care, I can still give my love and support, but I shouldn't be forcing it as hard as I am. I should be taking a step back, and measuring it, giving it only as it's needed, and being there only when I need to be there, basically. I should try to sense when I should be somewhere, when I should engage, and only do so when it feels I should.
I know I caused great harm, and I have accepted accountability for it as much as I can--but I need to accept the accountability from the perspective of others. I'm not sure how to explain that concept, but I understood it for what it is. I knew what was being said, even if I can't explain it with words.
I need to accept my part in it all, this I definitely try to do but largely, it is also similar to the above. It's not accepting my part from my perspective, it's accepting my part from theirs, and that I try to do but I need to get better at it.
I need to surrender myself and not try to fight at all.
I need to not give the time needed to heal, and not try to improve the situation.
I made a mistake and am accountable for it, I have at least a decent idea of what line I crossed, and need to accept I did, and the consequences.
I need to accept what I did, continue to work on myself, give up on my anxieties, my worries, my selfish desires, my unrealistic hopes, and forgive myself. To work on healing, to remove the negativity and bad from it, release control, accept things.
And just give that love.
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