Right now, if I am staying busy, I'm definitely doing okay, feeling like about a 7/10.
But when I am just resting, no matter how much I remind myself how much I literally just spent hours of time getting done, I feel like I am doing nothing.
I literally made art that I am proud of today! Like, I am actually PROUD of my art??? That never happens! But I keep looking at it, over and over again, and am so proud of everything I got done.
Like, is it perfect? Well, no! Of course not! I'm a mediocre artist at best, objectively speaking. I'm not terrible, to be sure, but I'm far from a professional. You can see all the imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies, etc., if you look...
...But for what I am capable of, this is the top of the charts, effectively. Maybe I could make small improvements here and there, but it's still very good!!!
And I did it today! I put in the work to update not one, not two, but three of my emotes!!! (I still need to work on the facepalm emote more, but I could probably also release a v3 of the rBree2F emote.)
And I got it done! In one day! And I love the result! It's the kind of thing I look at and go, "WOW! ...I made that???"
It's stunning. It's beautiful. Like, yeah. I get it, there's reasons to go "this isn't great". To a well-trained eye from a better artist, they would look at it and go, "why are you proud of that? It's not great." And even I will probably join them in on that eventually.
But FOR MY CAPABILITIES, especially IN THE TIME I DID IT, this is INCREDIBLY good. Amazingly good.
And I should be proud of it, right?
And I am proud of it!
...Except, the moment I stop staring at what I've done.
The thoughts creep into my mind to think, "I have done nothing."
There's the thought that I haven't done anything today.
Despite me literally staring at the proof I did something.
So then I decided to keep busy.
And I did more. I did more.
I did more bits badges.
I did more sub badge art.
And now, I am continuing to be busy by writing a blog!
Two days of blogging, with a longer blog at that, in a row?
Why wouldn't I be proud of that?
...Well because depression doesn't care about logic.
Depression is causing a deep pain which tells me, illogically, irrationally, I am doing nothing, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting my life.
I don't know what I can really do to get rid of it, other than waiting it out, and continuing to remind myself I have a lot to be proud of having accomplished.
There's a lot of things I will need to continue to do. We're still in a financially tight position. I haven't looked at how to get paid donations. I haven't picked up my meds. I haven't looked into how eligible we are for SNAP and the food bank and similar.
I know. I need to do that kind of work, and I'm not.
But...I am still doing good!
I just wish my brain could see it the way others do.
In the meanwhile though...continuing to grind. I'm making some time for games, but we'll be doing as much as we can.
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