I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning.
Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.
Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.
We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.
I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.
Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.
It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.
Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.
And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.
Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.
We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.
But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now.
I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.
I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.
Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.
I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.
I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.
Let's share the prototype.
Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.
Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.
Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.
Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.
Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.
Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.
My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.
Words I use are always imperfect,
Yet I show my love despite the defects.
Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé.
Words are how I show my yearning,
Words are proof of my earnings.
I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.
Words carry such healing power,
Words give strength to what matters.
Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.
Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.
When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.
Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined.
Words are my compass, guiding
Words kind
Mine
They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned.
My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.
Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.
Words I can’t always give in full form free,
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.
Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.
Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.
Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.
Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.
Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.
I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.
As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.
I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.
I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.
I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.
I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.
In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.
I'm doing well on my workouts.
Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.
And I even have a new updated Smug emote.
It may not be perfect (the skin in particular, although I'm personally not happy with the hair), but I'm proud of the linework and the expression.
All in all, life is good.
I probably had more to say but have forgotten it.
But basically--yes, we need help. Yes, we're struggling financially, and it's not getting better magically. But, despite the struggles, things are going well. Things are going better than we realize. And they probably are for you, too. I hope to be better at supporting you all as you support me, but in the mean time, all I can say is, much love. <3
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