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  • Writer's pictureBrianna Lewis

Alright, so, blogging hasn't been being done.

Sunday did break my momentum, and then after that, I just...well, was exhausted. It wasn't until today that I felt like I could blog again. My partner fills me with energy, rejuvenating me. They make me instantly feel less tired and more awake. But, while they have been an incredibly positive presence in my life, they are not a magical-fix-all-of-Bree's-chronic-health-issues button.

They've certainly helped a lot. I'm going to bed at nearly the same time every day and waking up at nearly the same time every day. This has regulated me, guaranteeing 6-8 hours of sleep in a day. I sleep better with thoughts of them. I go to sleep faster thanks to them. But as much good as having them in my life is, they are not a cure to chronic fatigue.

I think the bags under my eyes are potentially getting worse. And while I feel like I'm sleeping longer and more full of rest, I'm still waking up during the night and having my sleep interrupted, presumably from sleep apnea. (Next month is my appointments.) So as much as my partner is good for me, I do have problems with exhaustion, which aren't going to magically go away. Exhaustion which makes it very very hard to blog.

I'm hoping some of it was burnout from too much work--this month's schedule is much better. No hell shift, no hell week, the entire schedule feels like it's exactly the kind I can do well. Between less work burnout and better habits, I'm going to have the best environment possible for reducing exhaustion going forward. It won't cure my chronic health issues. But, it will help my chronic health issues. Holding me over until the doctor appointment for diagnosing me.

With luck, and I know I've been saying this a lot, but with luck, that'll mean I get back into regular blogging.

I guess I should get more into various life updates though.

My partner and I are currently long-distance, living 2,000 miles apart. We want to meet, ideally multiple times, before the end of the year, and start looking to move in together in 2024. They currently are out of a job, and looking for one, because they don't want the financial burden to be on me and me alone.

I know that the path ahead is going to be rather difficult. There will be plenty of obstacles, and likely, sacrifices. But, I do want the relationship to work. I vibe with my partner. I vibe with them a lot. They make me so happy in an indescribable way, a level of overwhelming happiness I've never felt before. Seeing their face makes me giddy, with their every reaction only deepening my love of them.

I know that a lot of my friends might be concerned about my relationship with my partner. I didn't want to make a scene about my relationship with them because I knew it'd cause drama, but I also didn't want to hide the relationship, keep it secret, not share it at all. So I've put it out into the world, people can see it, it's there, and I will share with any who will listen. I have a partner, and they make me very very happy and I love them a lot.

Their past will make a lot of people concerned about me with them, but what the people who know my partner's past don't know is that I have more in common with my partner than they realize. My concern is not of my partner being manipulative, controlling, abusive, exploitative, or any form of toxic. My concern is that I would be that to them. My partner has precious little in the way of friends, being fairly isolated. My partner had their entire world crash down on them overnight, so they had nothing left. So in many ways, I hold all of the power--which is dangerous.

​It'd be far too easy for me to be those things, and get away with it. I don't want to be, obviously, so I have to have that level of awareness. I need to be on the lookout for signs of an unhealthy relationship, but not really from them; from me is my main concern. I have some very negative traits. I have a very bad past. So while there are valid concerns to be had about my partner's history, the real worry shouldn't be what my partner does to me but rather what I could do to my partner.

It's a relationship that I know at least some don't approve of, for valid reasons. My partner is a very flawed person, with a very bad past. My partner has caused great harm in their past, even if it wasn't intentional. There are reasons for anyone who knows even some of the past of my partner to be concerned about their presence. So I understand all the measures people are taking in regards to my having a relationship with my partner. Any action taken, is valid. It is justified. I've accepted whatever others will do to protect their spaces, and their actions are in the right for that reason. The safety of who they care about is important. So whatever they do, it is the correct call to have made.

​Despite this, my partner is still someone I believe is a good person--a better person than I am, in fact. People know of the negative deeds of my partner, and they all assume these deeds make my partner a worse human than I am, that I risk dragging myself down to being a lesser human by being close to them. What they don't know is of my own bad past deeds, and if they did, they'd know how my partner is an angel compared to me.

My partner will have a bad reputation for the rest of their life. What people don't know is that I'd have an even worse reputation if they knew my darker side. In many ways, that is one reason why the fears about me are misplaced. I will not be hurt by my partner. I risk badly hurting my partner. I'm a tough girl and can take any fallout, in part because I've steeled myself for the possibility that if people ever did learn my past, I'd lose everything overnight. Anything less than that would be a blessing.

Because I'm as bad as I am, in many ways I actually do feel like I'm the perfect fit for my partner. It'd be awfully hypocritical of me to condemn my partner for their past considering my own is as bad as it is. And I know their history, better than most. I know what they've been through, better than most. I'm able to understand and empathize with past actions, no matter how harmful they were, because I understand that good people can do bad things, and still be good people who want to do good in life.

That belief is basically all I need. I have a deep, deep love for my partner. A stronger love than I have ever felt before. I believe my partner reciprocates, having a deeper love for me than they have ever felt for anyone else. And I believe that, despite all their past history and all the negative hurtful things within, they are a good person. Flawed, very flawed, and having caused great harm, but still at their fundamental level, not malicious, not bad, not evil, still a decent human being with empathy that cares for others and wants to make a difference in the world.

Which, mind you, is also what I want to be. I often have my shortcomings there. The level of harm I've caused in my own past is enough to disgust any who would learn about it. I don't think I deserve the merit of being called a 'good person', but I am at least trying to be one. I am flawed, have caused great harm, and yet am trying to make a difference in the world, to use my empathy to care for others and be decent and understanding to everyone.

With that mutual love between two humans trying to not be monsters, trying to be good or at least decent...I feel like we have a chance to build a life together. I have received well-wishes for my partner to better themself, but while I understand the wording, I feel it's inaccurate. I feel my partner isn't going to change, because they don't need to. They were already everything they already are. A kind, caring, empathetic person trying to do good. They have always had those traits. So have I, despite my monstrous atrocities in my past.

It'd be more apt to say, more or be better able to apply those traits in ways consistently healthy, productive, and helpful, in ways which better the world, rather than being led astray and having things go horribly wrong for any reason. The darker self will always be there, so to acknowledge it's there and not let it cause harm. I don't see that as really being better, as much as it is, applying the current self more smartly to better achieve the desired goals and not cause their opposite.

And I'm cautiously optimistic that, together, we can do that. It won't be easy. It will involve many hardships. Yet...I think we can succeed. I believe I can keep my partner on a better path, and I believe my partner will be there for me if I ever begin to stray in my own efforts for a better path. We're two flawed people with bad pasts who have done bad things, yet despite all the shortcomings we have and the bad traits we have, I believe we are still going to have a chance at making it work, at being positive forces who can do a lot, building each other up and building the world around us up as well.

It may not manifest. Things go wrong. But I'm hopeful. We're taking steps. We're putting the effort in to manifest it. I know it will be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices, and obstacles. In my opinion, it's worth it. They're worth it. Even if nobody else thinks it is, mine is the only opinion which matters in my own life, and while they get a say in other areas, my life is mine alone and my decisions, my choices, are mine. And in my opinion, my love is worth fighting for.

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